In life, there are few things one can predict with accuracy, even after years of training. Just ask a financial analyst who works for 80 hours a week studying the intricacies of stock price movement only to finally manage a fund that consistently underperforms the market. Just ask a couple divorcing after 30 years of marriage. Just ask a NCAA tournament Cinderella team that makes it to the Final Four against all odds. But there is one thing, in this world of uncertainty, that can be predicted with a high degree of accuracy: a Michael Bay-produced remake of an Alfred Hitchcock movie is going to gargle goat balls.
Yes, it's happening, according to Variety. The director most famous for the Transformers franchise is graduating from updated live-action versions of glorified toy commercials from the early 80's to ruining treasured Hollywood cinematic achievements and pissing off Tippi Hedren. He won't be directing; that honor will go to Dutch filmmaker Diederik Van Rooijen. But his production company — which is also behind such cinematic farts as the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Amityville Horror, and Friday the 13th remakes — will be calling the shots.
This is going to be so, so, so bad you guys. It's going to be worse than Birdemic, a film that I have seen in its entirety twice. And that movie is good-bad, like The Room. In case you aren't familiar with the glory that is Birdemic, here's the preview.
But there's a difference between good-bad and just plain bad. And fucking with Hitchcock is just... bad-bad.
Alfred did an ok job, I GUESS, but what this taut thriller really needs is more explosions and close ups of white lady butts. Think 2 Fast 2 Furious meets Wild Things meets just 10 minutes of shit blowing up.
The star of Hitchcock's original version of The Birds hasn't commented on the reboot yet, but, as the eagle-eyed Jean Trinh at LAist pointed out, Tippi Hedren was asked about it several years ago, and she had some top notch 'tude in response to the suggestion.
Why would you do that? Why?' I mean, can't we find new stories, new things to do?
Why indeed, Tippi. We still lack a movie starring a compelling female super hero and we're letting Michael Bay remake Hitchcock? This shit has gone well beyond ridiculous.