Charlie Sheen Denounces Phil Robertson's Bigotry with a Weird PoemS

After bigoted duckpreneur and Sweetums stuntman Phil Robertson expressed his very strong preference for vaginal intercourse and his very pronounced disdain for gay people, the first question everyone asked was: Why is Duck Dynasty even a thing, anyway? The second question was: What does Charlie Sheen, himself a former object of the public's ire, have to say about all of this?

The former question is unfathomable, but thanks to Twitter, the latter question has been answered quite thoroughly with what has been described as a Charlie Sheen poem, but what is probably just Charlie Sheen's ordinary way of communicating:

hey Mallard brained
Phil Robertso!
you have offended and hurt so many dear friends of mine,
who DO NOT have the voice or the outreach that I do.
well news flash
shower-dodger,
I will speak loudly and clearly for ALL of them.
so,
just when your desperately sub evolved ass thought the pressure was off,
you are now in the crosshairs of a MaSheen style media
beat down.
(I'll try to keep the big words to a minimum as not to confuse you)

It goes on like that for another eight stanzas, and while it's nice to see Charlie Sheen using his superhuman powers of TIGER STRENGTH and LASER EYES and UNICORN STAMINA to advance social justice, it'd be nicer if the bird mafia (which is real and run, of course, by a shadowy family of velociraptors) organized a massive poop raid on Phil Robertson's car. That would really show him. [Twitter]

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Image via Getty, Theo Wargo