Sweet heavens no! The poor people of New Zealand have been denied a Carl's Jr. commercial featuring two 19-year-old girls in jorts "sexily" fighting over a sandwich thanks to the country's ban on using "sex appeal in an exploitative and degrading manner and the use of sex to sell an unrelated product." But how will the Kiwis know that eating a Memphis BBQ sandwich can be tasty and mildly pornographic? How will the Kiwis know anything at all?

Calm down. Everyone CALM DOWN. Carl's Jr. already has it all figured out for us. They're gonna put on a play, but not just any play — they're going to put on a radio play where a narrator, preferably one with an old-timey radio voice, simply describes two 19-year-old girls in jorts getting heated and slathered in barbecue sauce.

Special Group, the agency behind the concept has yet to release the radio ad, but here is a potential script:

Ring-a-ding-ding, girls! Pork sandwiches are on and you don't want to be the one fuddy-duddy left with an empty tummy! Now now, girls! Why sure there aren't enough Memphis BBQ pork sandwiches to go around, but that ain't nothin' to blow your wigs over. See what you've done here? All this squabbling and now your dresses are a mess and you have pork grease in your victory rolls. Real shame, too, seeing as you've got all these Khakis eyeballin' you and you dolls can't quit acting like a coupl'a two bit share crops! Oh, dear! Now you've ripped your clothes clean off. My, my. Never in all my days have I seen two naked dames in a brawl over a sandwich, but I guess that's what happens when you're eating Carl's Jr!

Once again that's Carl's — Carl's Jr. Memphis BBQ Sandwich available for a limited time only. And remember, boys, Pick-ups, "Good time" girls and prostitutes spread gonorrhea. You can't beat the Axis if you get VD!

(P.S. if Carl's Jr. and the Special Group are interested in buying this script for me, I will sell it to them for one million dollars.)

Carl's Jr. Reacts to Banning of Racy TV Ad by Describing It in a Radio Spot [Ad Week]