What the fuck. (Image via screengrab.)

I’m starting to worry about BuzzFeed Motion Pictures. Though a recent profile in The Hollywood Reporter attempts to convince readers that things are going better than ever for Ze Frank and his team of merry masochists, a video the company uploaded earlier this week suggests they’ve run out of potential topics—a ClownPenis.fart moment, if you will. That video is called “6 Easy Masturbation Hacks For Men.

By “men” they mean “people with penises,” and by “hacks” they mean “either things that people with penises have already figured out, or would never do because they have too much respect for bars of soap.” Allow me to explain.

Hacks 1 and 2 (“Use both hands” and “Use your non-dominant hand”) are merely different ways of gripping one’s penis when jerking it off to reach orgasm, and should hardly count as novel or worthy of demonstration. Additionally, they’re handsist, but let’s not get into that.

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Hack 3, which has been given the spine-tingling (in a bad way) name “Tap Tap,” is a method I’ve never heard before, so I’ll give them points for that, but there’s a reason! And the reason is: it’s tremendously fucking stupid. The three step process goes like this, and this is a quote:

  1. Keep underwear on.
  2. Become erect.
  3. Tap the tip.

This method—an absurd and honestly very messy interpretation of “edging”—may, in fact, “make your climax explosive,” but it will also make you look and feel like a total dweeb as you tap on the head of your penis through your underwear for what could take hours, when you could have just used a tried-and-true method that wasn’t explained to you in a 90-second video made by a vaguely more literate version of the guy in your high school PE class who loved giving out unsolicited masturbation advice.

Image via screengrab.

Hack 5 is typical BuzzFeed catch-all, “Mix it up,” while Hack 6 is “Cock Ring” which, again, is not a hack because they literally exist and are sold in huge numbers for this purpose. But I haven’t gotten to Hack 4! The reason for this post! I could have ignored this video entirely if not for Hack 4, because let me tell you, it’s fucking nuts. There’s no better way to put it, really. Excitedly telling a horny person to cut a hole in a bar of soap, and then fuck it with their penis while wearing a condom is fucking nuts!

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Did you read that last bit? BuzzFeed Motion Pictures has officially endorsed a masturbation method that involves you taking a bar of soap, cutting a hole into it with a knife, and then fucking the hole while wearing a condom because, whoops, the soap might irritate your penis. This is a deranged solution to a problem that can easily solved with one or two hands and a solid work ethic. This is an urgent care visit waiting to happen. This is a waste of good soap.

Here’s a question for the penis-havers. Imagine, for a moment, that you overestimate the size of your own erect penis (you have a penis, so you absolutely will) and cut a hole that’s too big for yours to enjoy the slippery friction that BuzzFeed Motion Pictures is so convinced will send you to the moon and back. Do you try again with another bar of soap or do you give up? And do you throw the donut soap (or soaps) in the trash—thereby wasting an entire bar that could have been used to wash your hands or body—or put them in a soap dish, where you risk the horrendous cyclopses being seen by inquisitive guests who may ask you, “Um, why did you cut a big ass hole into that bar of soap in your bathroom?”

I don’t know what’s worse, cutting a hole into a bar of soap and fucking it, explaining the process to someone who found my failed fuck soap, or making a video telling people that they should definitely cut a hole into a bar of soap and fuck it. The only thing I know for sure is that no penis-haver on this planet with any self respect should be cutting a hole into a bar of soap and fucking it.