• In an effort to snag Keira Knightley and Helen Mirren, the production company behind the Lady Di biopic proclaimed that they are at the top of producers' list (but that they'll take ScarJo if they have to). [Daily Mail]

• Swiss officials announced today that Roman Polanski won't be extradited to the United States until L.A. courts make a "decision on the question of an in absentia trial." For now, he'll remain under house arrest at his Swiss chalet.

• According to an ex-girlfriend of Yankees star Alex Rodriguez: "He was so vain. He had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur. You know, the half man, half horse figure. It was ridiculous." [NYDN]

• A London man found the album from Amy Winehouse's wedding to Blake Fielder-Civil in a dumpster with some photos torn out and Amy's beehive colored in.

• According to a search warrant, Dr. Conrad Murray is officially the target of a manslaughter investigation into the death of Michael Jackson. But more importantly, Michael's hair is being made into diamonds.

• Michael Jackson's autopsy will be performed today. [TMZ]

• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick's surrogate gave birth to their twin girls this morning in Ohio. Sarah Jessica and Matthew are at the hospital with the surrogate and released a statement saying:

• The fallout from Chris Brown's arrest for allegedly attacking Rihanna continued today, even as the District Attorney's office said they needed police to do more investigative work to find out what really happened.

• What kind of fuckery is this? Amy Winehouse borrowed some designer dresses. When she returned them, they were splattered with vomit. [Mirror]
• Some of the puke-stained dresses had developed furry mold on them. [Hey, I'm eating breakfast, lady! - Ed.] [CelebNewsWire]
• Meanwhile, Amy is trying to launch the singing career of her goddaughter, Dionne. [Mirror]
• Except at Dionne's gig, Amy was a total fucking mess. [Daily Mail]
• More "turmoil" for Brad and Angelina as Billy Bob Thornton says of Angie, "We're still close." Eh. [Daily Mail]

• Oprah! In final talks! To be on 30 Rock! She'll play herself in scenes with Tina Fey's character Liz Lemon. Will Arnett and Jennifer Aniston are also making appearances on the show this fall. The bad news? The season premiere doesn't air until October 30. [E!]
• Paris Hilton has "manipulated" the Toronto Film Festival to get more publicity for a documentary about herself. There were three screenings of the film Paris, Not France; now there is only one, because that will "create more buzz." Hasn't her moment in the spotlight come and gone? [Page Six]
• The trailer for Lindsay Lohan's new movie, Labor Pains, is online. LL plays a publishing assistant who avoids getting fired by pretending to be pregnant. It looks almost barely funny. [People]

• At VH1's Music Cares event, Mariah Carey's bodyguards busted into the ladies room and demanded everyone leave, but when one patron refused they told her, "You'd better not watch Mariah pee!" Umm, wasn't there a private stall? Or was she going to go crouch in the sink? [Rush & Molloy]

• Britney Spears is "doing all of her own business now" that she has cut ties with her manager, her mom, and her publicist. Good luck, honey! [PageSix]

Welcome to Midweek Madness, wherein we ruminate on how celebrities are just like us, in that we hate them commensurately to the degree we hate ourselves. In which we "read" the Wednesday tabs. So you don't "have" to.