In case you live under a rock made out of socially valuable things like your family, real news and various important social causes you are devoted to, you know that Britney Spears debuted in Las Vegas this weekend.
To accompany this, Britney released I am Britney Jean, a
video cry for help documentary, if your idea of "documentary" involves driving the Maysles brothers into a fit of tears over the legacy of art. I, being the Britney aficionado of the Jezebel community (AKA the only person willing to watch this thing) am here to break this documentary down just for you, dear reader!
Y'all. The first question the alleged documentary filmmaker interviewer asks is "what's your favorite bubble gum." SHUT IT DOWN, BOB WOODWARD.
After the hard hitting bubble gum question, Britney takes a long break while her publicity team review the "no hard questions rule" with the prestigious documentary interviewer who is most definitely not a low paid E Entertainment news intern who is so ecstatic he no longer has to log tapes from Keeping Up With The Kardashians he is literally willing to eat his own soul to move up.
Now it's Britney Jean's turn to tell us her story. Britney sits down with the camera and says "DEAR GOD HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE. I CAN NO LONGER FEEL MYSELF IN MY OWN SKIN. I CAN ONLY SUBMERSE MYSELF DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO MY OWN PAIN. PLEASE SOMEONE, ANYONE SAVE ME FROM THIS." And then the interviewer says hahahhah Britney you are the best OMG tell us how you stay so fit, girl!
Thanks to some Illuminati-type video editing, Britney is stretched out like fucking Gumby. This is not what technology was intended for, OK? It's supposed to be here to help us communicate better with each other and make our lives easier. It's not to help pop stars make you think they are the aliens at the end of A.I.
Britney says she realized there was "a lot of mean things on the Internet." This is pretty much the reaction my dog would have if she suddenly became sentient.
OK, so here we are at Day One, with everyone trying to figure out how to make this dead inside former pop diva come to life on a stage in a town that has gifted the world with 300,000 performances of Wayne Newton doing "Danke Schoen." Holy crap. These guys would have better luck getting Fiona Apple to duet onstage in a song about abortion rights with Sarah Palin, in front of a room filled with Baptist preachers.
Britney says she types all her ideas for the show out on her computer and prints them out and gives them to the director. What do you want to bet that "computer" is an old Texas Instruments Speak & Spell that they convinced her is a iMac she can use to "share her creative ideas."?
Britney takes a rare honest turn to address the nightmare time of her life when she was hounded nonstop by the paparazzi and says "SERIOUSLY DID YOU NOT HEAR ME BEFORE? FUCK ALL THIS STUPID SHIT THEY ARE TALKING TO ME ABOUT. I DON'T CARE. I HAVE SOME SHEETS AND HAVE FASTENED A MAKESHIFT ESCAPE DEVICE AND AM READY TO GO. IF SOMEONE OUT THERE COULD JUST MAYBE SEND A CAR TO HELP ME GET TO THE AUTHORITIES WHO I CAN REPORT THIS TO. PLEASE. ANYONE. IF YOU ARE LISTENING. JUST PULL UP TO THE CORNER. I CAN SCALE THE WALL AND RUN."
OMG, the interviewer responds, I just love your hair, you really are just so innovative and daring, will you sign this copy of Crossroads I just happen to randomly have here?
E Entertainment News calls their little documentary series a "Pop of Culture." WHOAAAAA you are so clever, E Entertainment News! Like how you took "Pop Culture" and put in that preposition. This reminds of the time I hooked up with that "artist" in college who was painting all these pictures of SOS boxes. He was so cutting edge, man.
Britney is now sitting around talking to all the men who control her life suggesting ideas for her show and they are acquiescing to the direction of her creative process. HAHAHA AS IF.
"Work, Bitch" is the most important musical work since Mozart's "Don Giovanni". Try and even prove me wrong.
I confess, I walked away from this thing for about 30 minutes because I took my dog for a late night walk and we got talking to my neighbor about all the damn cars our other neighbor parks on the street at night. There's a meeting about it next week. Yeah, we have no lives.
Britney sits down for a heart-to-heart about the photographs they are going to use. She says "FOR FUCKS SAKE, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE. SOYLENT GREEN IS PHOTOSHOPPED PICTURES OF ME THAT CLEARLY LOOK NOTHING LIKE THE HUMAN PERSON I AM. I MEAN, COME ON. BY THE WAY, IS THERE ANY WORD ON THAT CAR?" The photo editor, busily pretending to listen to her, leans in and says hahahaha omg Brit you are just the best; love you and these fabulous photos we've picked out.
I'm fast forwarding, y'all. I just want to get to the part where I can stop writing this review and go drink wine and sleep. But there is a never-ending succession of Britney blankly talking to people who are working on this show, in whatever meaningless capacity that might be. Next up, Britney stops by the concession stand to inquire about how hot the nacho cheese is going to be for people who order it as an extra condiment on their pretzels.
I fast forwarded another 19 minutes. Let me use my psychic powers bestowed on me by ancient Druid gods to let you know what that time skip was like: Britney dances half-assedly; team of highly trained, precision dancers awkwardly makes small talk to camera about how "inspiring" her "work ethic" is. Like some Kreskin shit up in here; I know.
BRITNEY IS EATING SKITTLES TAKE A SHOT. Take like five or six shots because you need to taste the rainbow, goddammit.
Uhh. Fuck I don't know what's going on here anymore. She's taking pictures at a pre-Vegas spectacular red carpet event? Fuck this, I'm going to go look at pictures of Channing Tatum in a speedo someone just emailed me. Those pictures fit more seamlessly into this documentary than anything else the E Entertainment editorial crew deems cut worthy.
Ninety percent of this "documentary" is basically the dude in her wardrobe department freaking out about all the changes made to her wardrobe. We picked the wrong careers, everyone.
Oh, how sweet, Britney pops on one more time to say "OK THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. ALL I WANT IS A GODDAMN CELL PHONE. JUST LET ME MAKE ONE CALL. THEY ARE NOT LOOKING NOW. SO PLEASE, PLEASE, JUST GIVE ME THE PHONE AND I WILL BE OUT OF YOUR HAIR BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. OMG WHY ARE YOU NOT LISTENING TO ME, DAMMIT."
Hahahaha, Britney, tell us how you're just a little girl from Louisiana and pose for this picture I promise I'm not going to sell to TMZ!
Britney Spears is set to play Las Vegas until the bowels of the Earth are swallowed up by the great Reckoning. So get your tickets now and enjoy!
Here's the full video of this promotional nightmare, in case my employers don't believe me when I ask for a "mental health" day tomorrow. Watch this video in case you skipped your last flogging and need to prove to your religious leaders just how devoted you are to "the cause."