British man and hero without a cape Steve McGawley has been cautioned by police multiple times and was finally arrested for what they said were inappropriate Christmas lights. I will grant the police that, yes, there were, at various times on the side of McGawley’s house, Christmas lights in the shape of a dong, the word “cunt,” and a little Pictionary-style imagery to indicate that Steve was making reference to the head of a penis. But in what world is all that not just festive as hell?
Metro UK reports that McGawley, who lives in Blackpool, was arrested for a “public order offense” after an increasingly delightful standoff which evidently began when McGawley spelled out the word “cunt” in lights. Metro reports that when police came to his house—Blackpool is a seaside town, presumably tranquil and without a whole lot to occupy the cops—McGawley at first refused to receive them, on the grounds that he was nude:
Mr McGawley initially refused to answer the door to the police as he said he did not have any clothes on, but then agreed to meet with them face to face.
A female police officer can then be heard on the video saying: ‘Why don’t you put some clothes on?’ – to which he replied: ‘What for?’
He added: ‘I’m not taking the lights down – it’s too late to take them down. I’ve took them down I don’t know how many times now.’
This exchange indicates that Steve has been spoken to about his g-dang lights before. After that conversation, he changed them to read “LOL,” which was fine with the local authorities. He then tested the waters a bit with a dong. The dong was too far, as it happens.
In order to fully appreciate what happened next, please listen in full and without interruption to the audio.
“Bellend” is apparently British slang for the head of one’s penis, although you’d think McGawley had never heard that phrase before, and is wholly unaware that he’s made a penis out of Christmas lights on his home given the way he talks about the whole thing:
At one point in this important exchange, McGawley offers to switch the lights off. That won’t do.
“Your penis is still offensive,” another officer informs him. Relatable.
“It’s a mushroom,” he lies, sweetly.
“It’s not a mushroom,” a police officer responds, wearily. “It’s a penis.”
“Well I’m dyslexic, so I can’t really tell,” our new friend Steve responds.
McGawley was in fact arrested and issued “a penalty notice for disorder,” which smells like bullshit. Nonetheless, he responded gracefully, spelling out the words “I’M SORRY” in lights as soon as he returned home.
In conclusion, here is what my monstrous coworkers did during the 15 minutes I spent writing this post. They have been coming up with the following list of pun headlines, which I refuse to use or acknowledge.
- Dong Not-So-Merrily on High
- Ding Dong Merrily on High, Emphasis on the Dong
- Carol of the Bellends
- Oh, Tannendong
- Mary, Did You Know There Is A Dick On Your House
- God Rest Ye Merry Gentlepeen
- Cock! The Herald Angels Sing
- It Came Upon The Midnight Clear [Winky Emoji]
- It Came Upon the Face Of the Midnight Clear
- Past Three O Cock
- Oh, Cum All Ye Faithful
- Joyous and Triumpcunt
- Jingle Bell Jingle Bell Jingle Bell Cock
- Big Dong Merrily On High
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.