Breast Implants May Improve Women's Sex Lives, Says Very Dubious Study

Today in "UM, OKAY": a new study from Brazil has found that getting breast implants may alter a woman's sex life for the better. One caveat, though: women who developed stretch marks after receiving implants did not experience any improvement in their sex lives. Brazil, please stop lying. It is unbecoming.

The study followed 45 entire women (a massive number! Where did they even find 45 women?) who planned to get implants; researchers presented these twoscore and five ladies with a questionnaire that assessed their sexual desire, arousal and sexual satisfaction. They were then asked to retake the survey two, four, and eighteen months after surgery. According to Health Day:

The 36 women who did not develop postsurgical stretch marks said they had experienced improved levels of arousal and were more satisfied with their sex lives, researchers said. They reported this improvement at both four and 18 months following surgery... Nine women with stretch marks following their plastic surgery did not report any improvement.

Not that there's anything wrong with getting implants if that's what you so desire — it's your body, you can do whatever you please with it, etc. However, it's pretty specious to claim that implants are beneficial to arousal as long as they look awesome, especially considering that 15 percent of women lose feeling in their nipples permanently after getting implants. Other side-effects include nipple numbness — or increased sensitivity, or shooting pains — for up to two years after the surgery.

Anyway, if you're itching to hear a essentializing, sexist pseudo-science rationalization for these extremely questionable results, here you are! According to Tomi-Ann Roberts, professor of psychology at Colorado College:

"Feminine heterosexuality is very much about our sense of whether or not we are pleasing our partner, and here we have 45 women who have spent a great deal of money to that purpose. If these breasts are now pleasing to their male partners, then they are likely to feel more sexually attractive."

"FEMININE HETEROSEXUALITY IS VERY MUCH ABOUT OUR SENSE OF WHETHER OR NOT WE ARE PLEASING OUR PARTNER [WITH THE SIZE OF OUR FLAWLESS BREASTS]" — a real thing that a psychologist said.

Thank you for this glorious and accurate insight, science.

"Breast implants may improve women's sex lives, study suggests" [Fox News]
Image via Piotr Marcinski/Shutterstock.