Brave Patriots Fight Ban on Sexy Underwear

New trade regulations in Belarus, Russia, and Kazakstan threaten to subject women there to the cruel and dehumanizing indignity of ugly underwear. And no one is taking it lying down.

Here’s a brief summary of the unmentionable injustice being waged in one large corner of the former Soviet Bloc: new trade regulations would bar the sale, import, or manufacture of underwear comprised of less than 6% cotton. I’d imagine that this is benefitting some cotton-farming kleptocrats, but it’s definitely not benefitting anyone’s lingerie drawers.

According to the National Post, this isn’t going over too well with a vocal contingent of lingerie lovers, who complain that all of the prettiest underwear is cotton-poor, and the ban will thrust residents of the three affected countries back into saggy Soviet drawers. Then no one will ever have sex again and Russia, Kazakstan, and Belarus will disappear.

“As a rule, lacy underwear … is literally snatched off the shelves,” said Alisa Sapardiyeva, the manager of a lingerie store in Moscow, DD-Shop, as she flicked through her colorful wares. “If you take that away again, the buyer is going to be the one who suffers the most.”

Some analysts estimate that even though requiring women to wear more cottony panties might delight gynecologists who believe that skivvies fashioned from synthetic fibers can lead to more yeast and urinary tract infections, the ban means that 80-90% of underwear currently on the market will vanish from shelves.