Welcome to Would U?, an academic forum in which I share my gross crush of the week and ask if you, too, would bang that person.

Happy Halloween, horndogs!

Advertisement

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to hook up with an evil demon? To smang it with a disgusting pile of talking goo? To go all the way with a vengeful spirit?

If you haven’t, too bad, because you’re thinking about it now! And in honor of Halloween, we’ve temporarily changed the rules—the question today, my friends, is not Would U?, but rather, Which One Would U? That’s correct: you have no choice. You have to pick a monster that you would fuck.

Advertisement

Now, before I lay out your options, it’s worth noting that it was difficult for the Jezebel team to figure out what, exactly, constitutes a “monster.”

Advertisement

Bobby Finger: Is Voldemort bangable?

Clover: What’s a monster? Does Gollum count?

Erin Ryan: Gollum counts

Terron Moore: Do Pokemon count cuz there’s definitely more than a few Pokemon I would

Advertisement

Erin Ryan: I was going to say I’d fuck a centaur

Erin Ryan: But

Advertisement

Erin Ryan: Actually I wouldn’t

Joanna Rothkopf: I am attracted to centaurs

Erin Ryan: Centaurs have 6 limbs

Advertisement

Advertisement

Erin Ryan: That’s fucked up

Bobby Finger: “Ew Gollum no.” - Me fucking Gollum

Madeleine Davies: Would def bang Grendel

Advertisement

Madeleine Davies: Would bang most monsties

Joanna Rothkopf: Would U: Beetlejuice or a sandworm from Beetlejuice?

Advertisement

Bobby Finger: Beetlejuice is also the most convenient monster in terms of availability.

Advertisement

Joanna Rothkopf: Yes good 4 bootycalls

Bobby Finger: Would U Aileen Wuornos????

Rachel Vorona Cote: What about ET?

Advertisement

Bobby Finger: No not E.T.

Advertisement

Bobby Finger: E.T. would get SO attached

Rachel Vorona Cote: Can we include Ted Cruz? I would fuck most of these monsters before him.

Ultimately, however, the following 8 ~actual~ monsters edged out the competition. Which one would you allow out of your dreams / and into your car?

Slimer

Sure, he’s packing some extra pounds and his floating, poop-shaped body is the color of a Nickelodeon sign, but honestly, who are you to judge this Ghostbusters villain? More To Love, I say!

Godzilla

This enormous reptilian sexpot enjoys long walks on top of Japan, nuclear tests, and indiscriminate murder. Would you let him pick you up and dangle you over Tokyo and then have sex with you?

Mike Wazowski

Our favorite Monsters, Inc. cutie pie has one giant eye, all of his limbs (except...well), and a healthy dose of Jewish anxiety. How could anyone say no!

The Creature from the Black Lagoon

Would you get a load of those sexy lips!? This piscine amphibious humanoid has a lot of experience with women—and killing scientists! Would you follow Gill-Man back to his dark, damp lair?

Freddy Krueger

More like Sex Dream on Elm Street, am I right you guys? That burnt face softly touching your own, those razor fingers tracing the curves of your body...

The Shark From Jaws

Yeah, that’s right! You know you want this bloodthirsty great white freak to eat you alive ;)

Frankenstein’s Monster

Wow, who wouldn’t want to get their hands on this hulking sentient being? Frankenstein’s monster is 8 feet tall with translucent yellowish skin, glowing eyes, and a GIGANTIC...heart! Would you invite him into your laboratory?

Audrey II

This carnivorous plant from Little Shop of Horrors has a beautiful deep voice and is not afraid to go after what he wants! How’s about you let Twoey plant a lil’ seed in you?

Muahaha! Now that you’ve seen the lineup, it’s time to vote—and if for some (ridiculous) reason none of these fictional death machines gets your pulse racing, please feel free to fill in an alternate monster who does.

Last time on Would U?, we asked: Would you have sex with Martin O’Malley? 41.5% of you said “Obviously, lame of you to even ask,” 21% said “Maybe, if we watched The Wire together beforehand,” 17% said “Yes, but only if he let his chest hair grow in,” 11.5% said “Wow, no, disgusting of you to even ask,” and 9% said “Yes, but only if he wins the presidency.”


Contact the author at ellie@jezebel.com.

Advertisement

Advertisement

Illustration by Bobby Finger, images via Toho/Godzilla; USA/Jaws; USA/Monster’s, Inc.; USA/Creature from the Black Lagoon; USA/A Nightmare on Elm Street; USA/Bride of Frankenstein; USA/Ghostbusters II; border via Shutterstock.