Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which in which we peer through the looking glass into the pages of Star, Us Weekly, OK!, Life & Style and InTouch. This week: an "expert" who has never seen Kate Middleton in person diagnoses her with an eating disorder; Brad and Angie almost ran into Jennifer Aniston at a restaurant, which would have triggered the apocalypse, maybe; and Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are having a lil' baby goose of their own.
"MARRY ME, I'M PREGNANT"
This article opens: "Women of the world who dream of having Ryan Gosling's baby: Eva Mendes has beat you to the punch!" Is that a thing? Maybe in this new world in which contraception access is being systematically denied to women, all sexual fantasies automatically involve conceiving and giving birth to a child? Anyway, Eva is apparently 7 months pregnant, in secret, and she and Ryan Gosling are very happy about it and totally committed to one another. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, if this is true, it means that we will one day get to look at photos of Ryan Gosling holding the World's Most Attractive Baby. Hooray. Moving on: Tom Cruise is not popular in Hollywood anymore, so he's trying to get an invite George Clooney's wedding. "Tom is dying to be friends with George and his crew," says a source, which is a really wretched sentence (I feel like the only group of men who can be non-tragically described as a "crew" are the guys who rap "Top That" in Teen Witch). In other news, Kelly Osbourne is "losing control" and "back to bad habits" because she got the word "Stories" tattooed on her scalp. Uhhh. What bad habit is she back to? "Oh, my god, did you see, Kelly got another type of narrative tattooed on her body in an unconventional place. I'm worried for her, guys." Oooookay. Elsewhere in the mag, Kanye is turning Kim into his human doll. Says a source, "She lets him inspect her body once a week for imperfections and immediately books an appointment with a plastic surgeon if he decides something needs to be fixed" AND "He'll spend hours dressing her up like his personal mannequin." It's likely that the source for this terrifying, psychosexual nightmare of a gossip story is someone who only knows Kim via Kim Kardashian Hollywood, the interactive smartphone game in which all that stuff happens.
GRADE: D- (a planet populated solely by thousands of Adam Levines, each with an inventive haircut)
Life & Style
SECRETS OF THE PROPOSAL
Andi Dorfman got engaged on the Bachelorette, which is the entire point of the reality TV program. If you can't wait, like, one week, Life & Style assures you that she looked really nice and was wearing a cool dress when it happened. But there is drama: apparently, she bedded not one, but two, suitors (in a special Sex Room provided by the producers for that purpose) and her currently fiance will become very jealous if he learns of this. Since everything but the Sex Room is videotaped, he probably will. My fav quote from this article: after the proposal, the couple was sent to a hotel room surrounded by security guards. "They didn't do anything besides get to know each other, cuddle, read, talk." Getting to know each other, as thew newly-engaged so often do. So romantic. In other news, Courteney Cox will invite David Arquette to her wedding, along with Laura Dern and Ed Sheeran (the Three Musketeers). Jennifer Aniston will be Maid of Honor. Elsewhere in the mag, Eddie Cibrian (described in this article as a "hunky actor") is embarrassed by LeAnn Rimes' on-screen antics in their new reality show. Specifically, her burping and farting "under the covers and waft[ing] it toward Eddie." Uh oh. Next: Prince George is turning one soon; can you guess what his party plans will be? A "royals expert" says it will be a "small family celebration." Because he is an infant. Finally, Khloe Kardashian and French Montana are going to get married maybe, which sucks because he cheats on her and also because they're both still married and have been dating for not a very long time. Alright, sure.
GRADE: D (an alternate reality in which everything is exactly the same but you have all of Justin Bieber's tattoos, especially the one of the angry turnip)
COUNTRY WIVES TELL ALL!
Nicole Kidman, Faith Hill and Miranda Lambert — the Country Wives, as literally no one calls them — are all having marriage problems, says Star (whom the Country Wives told absolutely nothing, obviously). Miranda fears that her husband Blake Shelton will cheat on her; Faith and Tim McGraw are having financial issues; and Nicole and Keith Urban are both obsessed with their looks and fight about how vain they both are. Apparently, Keith looks in the mirror a lot, and when Nicole says that it's annoying, he tells her that she gets too much plastic surgery. Ok then! Moving on: An underrated tabloid cliche is starting a story about a celebrity wedding with the sentence, "It was supposed to be the happiest day of her life." Thus began this story about Jessica Simpson's wedding, which I did not read because life is too short (her parents apparently ruined everything with their bad attitudes). Elsewhere in the magazine, there is an article about Miley Cyrus smoking weed for three days straight over the Fourth of July weekend, and it's legitimately a work of art. Some highlights: "Three cheers for the weed, white and blue! A lot more than sparklers got lit at Miley Cyrus' three-day bash"; "Miley and friends... took some of the most outrageous selfies ever seen on Instagram"; "the legendary party girl smoked a lot of marijuana." Bless. In other news, Lindsay Lohan is missing rehearsals for the David Mamet play she's supposed to be acting in, which is not really news at all. Aaaand Jennifer Aniston has decreed that Justin Theroux needs to stop hanging out with Terry Richardson because "she feels like she needs to take a shower after hanging out with him." Justin allegedly wants him to take their wedding photos, which Jen is not into, probably because weddings are meant to celebrate the tender unity of two human hearts and not sexual predation.
GRADE: F (a cursed realm in which you can only speak in tabloid cliches, particularly "I'LL RAISE THIS BABY ALONE!" and "FLAUNTS HER TONED STOMACH")
NEW BABY, CHEATING HUSBAND
Kendra Wilkinson is dealing with the aftermath of her husband's cheating scandal — if you will recall from every tabloid ever in the past few weeks, he cheated on her with a model whom he paid for sex. This article mostly functions as an ad for season three of Kendra On Top ("Producers helped facilitate a counseling session for the couple over the July 4 weekend. The results, captured by cameras for the series returning this fall, were disastrous." FUN!!!!); the most noteworthy bit is this sentence, regarding Hugh Hefner: "The man she dated for four years and has called a father figure phoned the San Diego native several times." :-| In other news, Khloe Kardashian wants to have French Montana's baby since they've been dating for six months and all (if their relationship were a fetus it would be in the second trimester); Miley Cyrus has been secretly dating Mike Will Made-It this whole time and they are "pretty serious," which you all must have been so eager to learn about; and Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez are friends with benefits. "Whenever they're together and both single, they hook up," says a source. What's a lip-lock between friends? asks Us. Uh, apparently enough to melt down the entire internet.
GRADE: D (a land wherein the only books are Bachelor recaps)
91 LBS. & CAN'T STOP LOSING WEIGHT
Kate Middleton is pregnant and anorexic, alleges inTouch revoltingly. As with every other tabloid article that diagnoses a celebrity with an eating disorder, this one calls on a "fitness expert" to guestimate her weight: 91 pounds, says some lady who has never seen Kate Middleton in person (which is dangerous, she adds). Great, thanks for the input. Blergh. So, so gross. In less horrifying and garbage-y news, Brangelina and Jennifer Aniston almost had a run-in at a restaurant in L.A., sending the entire staff into complete and utter panic. "A quick-thinking manager quickly ushered [Brad and Angie] behind a curtain in a back corner while workers scrambled to prep a private room for [Jennifer Aniston], who was due in an hour." They then warned Brad, who "ordered a $420 bottle of wine and played it cool." (Ordering a $420 bottle of wine is literally the chillest thing one can do.) Anyway, there was no run-in. Good work, team. Moving on: Jessica Simpson and her husband were hung-over at their wedding and also nervous, a v. dangerous combination (thnk of all the vomit that might yield!), but they had a beauteous day nonetheless. Next: Demi Lovato tweeted an unfriendly meme moments before unfollowing Selena Gomez on Twitter, signifying that she was done dealing with the cloud of misfortune that surrounds Justin Bieber: The Boy Prince of Chaos. Must you spoil all that is nice, Bieber?
GRADE: F- (Kris Jenner is every living human's mom)