The trailer for Lindsay Lohan's Oprah-sponsored documentary is here, and it's exactly what one would expect it to be.
It starts with LiLo, sage-like, absolving herself of LA: "There's nothing left in having a drink for me. What's left in that feeling? Nothing. There's no party that I haven't gone to; there's no person that I haven't hung out with..." (For the record, Lindsay Lohan has never hung out with me so that statement is incorrect.)
From there, things sharply swerve downhill: we see Lindsay hounded by paparazzi, Lindsay feeling like a prisoner, Lindsay having parents who are the absolute worst; then, Lindsay starting to miss shoots, sparking rumors that she's no longer sober. And this yields a terrifyingly disappointed Oprah.
This looks like the most riveting reality TV program to ever go on the air, omg. [HuffPo]
The Vanity Fair Oscar party photo booth is the best thing ever, because 1) it's so fun to see celebrities being friends and making out with each other, and 2) it's reassuring that even famous people run out of facial expressions to make under pressure. (Also, this picture of Kerry Washington and her husband is the best thing I have ever laid eyes upon.) [Vanity Fair]
Aziz Ansari made a subreddit called "Modern Romantics" in order to cull material for a new book he's writing (it's about love, in case that was unclear). Amongst all the usual reddit trash, there is some very heartwarming and thought-provoking stuff on there. [ONTD]
Angelina Jolie covers this week's Entertainment Weekly as Maleficent and looks v. scary and beautiful and horned. In the interview, she speaks about her mastectomy: "Wherever I go, usually I run into women and we talk about health issues, women's issues, breast cancer, ovarian cancer... It makes me feel closer to other people who deal with the same things and have either lost their parents or are considering surgeries or wondering about their children." [EW]
- RuPaul put a fake version of her album on a music pirating site that plays 20-3o seconds of each song, which promptly fade away into her chiding you for illegally downloading music. [Billboard]
- Gary Busey and Courtney Stodden hung out. I would love to know what they talked about. [DListed]
- Here is the blurriest picture ever of Heidi Klum making out with her new boyfriend at a party. [E!]
- Cate Blanchett spent a very long time at the bar in the Oscars, which is why she said "Julia, hashtag suck it" in her acceptance speech. This is just further proof of her enduring grace and self-possession because if I were drunk in that situation, goddess only knows what horrible depravities would issue forth from me. [NY Daily News]
- Shia LaBeouf got a parking ticket, maybe because he forgot to put the "I AM NOT FAMOUS" hood over his car after parking it. [Just Jared]
- Here's the commercial for Beyoncé's "empowering" new perfume, which contains the sweat of Susan B. Anthony or something. [OK!]
- Benedict Cumberbatch can bend his entire hand backwards. I don't know how to make that into a sex thing, but I'm sure you guys will find a way. I have faith in you. [BuzzFeed]
- Allison Williams is "obsessed" with staring at her engagement ring. It's good to see her with a hobby. [E!]