In case you had forgotten, this mortal world is just one big National Treasure-style adventure in which Beyoncé and her extended family leave various mysterious clues scattered around; our job as Not-Beyoncés is to make meaning from them so our lives feel purposeful.
Today in Beyoncé Secrets: the Internet is flipping out because Bey changed the lyrics in an unreleased song ("Resentment") while performing in Ohio. DID BEYONCÉ JUST ADMIT THAT JAY Z CHEATED? wonders the Internet. Here are our clues:
The original lyrics are, "I'll always remember feeling like I was no good / Like I couldn't do it for you like your mistress could/Been ridin' with you for six years [...] I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she's had half of me."
The lyrics she performed are — with changes in bold, "I'll always remember feeling like I was no good / Like I couldn't do it for you like that wack bitch could/Been ridin' with you for twelve years [...] I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she's had half of me. She ain't even half of me. That bitch will never be."
Beyoncé and Jay Z have been married for twelve years now, which makes the time change ~significant~. But, like, what do we make of all the wedding and pregnancy footage they show during their concerts? Feeling so confused and lost. This world is a chaotic place, guys. [ONTD]
The Daily Mail says the lyrics refer to Mya, with whom Jay Z allegedly had an affair and whom he is allegedly financially supporting now, says a source. Ok! Sure! Everyone throw out your best guesses in the comments and maybe the Daily Mail will use you as a source next week. [Daily Mail]
Megan Fox spoke to Cosmo about women "owning their sexuality." Quoth Megan, "Women don't have to be desperate and try so hard. Allow yourself to be strong and powerful and men will be crawling on their hands and knees." Ok! That, taken out of context, is going to be the motto of my misandrist utopia. [Cosmo]
Gwyneth Paltrow dressed as Madonna, Audrey Hepburn, Brigitte Bardot and Farrah Fawcett for Max Factor. She just looks like Gwyneth Paltrow with creative hair in most of these, but very beautiful!! [Hollywood Reporter]
- Justin Bieber posted some ridiculous selfies of himself hanging out with Johnny Manziel, Floyd Mayweather and Tyrese. Then the cops came (to issue a warning about the height of his bangs, probably). [Bossip]
- Jada Pinkett Smith did NOT ban Kendall Jenner from her house for being rude, says Gossip Cop. What a relief. We can all rest easy. [Gossip Cop]
- Shia LaBeouf is not in in-patient rehab — he's in voluntary out-patient counseling for alcohol addiction. Either way, it's good to see him getting help. [Gossip Cop]
- Harry Styles rocked a diminutive man-bun as well as a torso that looks like it was doodled upon by an especially artistic high schooler who was bored during bio class. [Just Jared]
- Joan Rivers officiated an impromptu gay wedding at her book signing! [Page Six]
- Oh my god.... this headline....... "Seth Rogen Slams Crafts Store After Supreme Court Allows to Not Pay Insurance for Birth Control." It's like a word puzzle.[ONTD]
- Here is an article about how Melissa McCarthy's hairstylist talked her into getting bangs. I'll summarize: he said, "Melissa, have you considered getting bangs?" and she was like, "Huh, maybe." [People]
- Here's the ghostwriter of Kendall and Kylie Jenner's widely acclaimed dystopian YA novel talking about the writing process. She says the Jenners were "deeply involved" in writing it and that they let her hang out with them while they texted in their hotel room during fashion week. [ONTD]
Lede image via Splash.