CLUTCH ALL THE PEARLS, EVERYONE. Ben Affleck finally admitted "Umm yeah, I totally counted cards." OH MY GOD SOCIETY IS GOING TO COLLAPSE.

We officially entered Celebrity Scandal Defcon Stage 2 when news reports surfaced that Affleck, an Oscar winner, was kicked out of a casino in April for counting cards. My only experience with this is from watching Rainman and based off of that it basically looks impossible. (CONCLUSION: Ben Affleck is Dustin Hoffman. Have you ever seen them together? Didn't think so. Case closed.) In a new interview with Details, Affleck explains that it wasn't really as big of a deal as everyone made about it (you don't say):

Details: Speaking of keeping it real, there have been reports lately that you've been caught counting cards in casinos.

Affleck: That is a true story. I mean, that took place. I took some time to learn the game and became a decent blackjack player. And once I became decent, the casinos asked me not to play blackjack. I mean, the fact that being good at the game is against the rules at the casinos should tell you something about casinos.

Affleck told Details the story that how he was "thrown out" of a casino was kind of exaggerated.

Affleck: No, I wish! That would be awesome. "Get him outta here! He's a magician!" Unfortunately, they just came up and said, "We can't let you play blackjack. But we have other table games! We have Chinese poker!"

There were a number of casinos that said, "Hey, you can't play blackjack here. We know you count cards. But, you know, you're welcome to come, do whatever you want, see a show, have dinner. We'll comp ya. Play roulette, we know you don't play craps, but hang out, we still want your presence and business."

Affleck also told Details that much of what appears in tabloid magazines about him is fictional bullshit. As in, people just make up shit and write whatever they want.

It's really hard for people to understand—it would be hard for me to understand—that people can freely write that shit, almost completely fiction, and pass it off and run it. And you're going, like, "I can't fuckin' believe this! Not only do they invite me over there, then they don't let me play, then they said I was, like, gambling, which also is not true, and then they said my hair was fucked up. When will the indignities end?"

Details: And there was a suggestion that your wife, Jennifer Garner, can't take it anymore...

Affleck: See, that's tabloid shit. That's all bullshit. They completely lie. I mean, I can show you 10 articles of Star and OK!—those magazines feel totally comfortable absolutely fictionalizing every single element of the story. And there's nothing you can do about that. My only hope is that people with any common sense recognize that those stories are false. And, I don't know, there're worse stories . .

If we're just making up stories about Ben Affleck now, then perhaps the world is finally ready to read my Affleck-inspired series of fantasy novels. In my first "Lorunda, King of Elfergarvanen," Affleck is a wizard banished to a dark island known as Cherensta were he must undertake the Trials of the Red Stars. On that quest, he meets a beautiful maiden at a casino in Reno, gets blind drunk, loses thousands of dollars of wakes up wearing a rented cop uniform in a Motel 6. This shit just writes itself, y'all!


Jack White talked so much shit about everybody at a concert in Boston. He talked shit about the Foo Fighters (they use too many guitars on stage for Jack's liking) and then he unleashed on Rolling Stone.com. I have no idea what the hell RolllingStone.com ever did to Jack White but HOLY SHIT he does not like them. They must have killed his cat, stolen his identity and credit cards to go on an expensive bender in Cabo and literally shit on his doormat. Or maybe they forgot to take their shoes off when they came in his house. People can get really uptight about that kind of stuff.

"Something for RollingStone.com for tomorrow. I like to feed them something every day for their clickbait," White said. "If everyone could, in this whole stadium, please go to RollingStone.com tomorrow. They've paid me zero dollars to plug them so make sure they get at least a million mouse clicks tomorrow."

[...]

With the exaggerated voice of an informercial hawker, White continued to add "media critic" to his résumé. "That number again, RollingStone.com, brought to you by the Kardashian family. Fifteen outfits that will blow your mind that Taylor Swift wore this month."

Jack, to be fair, those were some pretty mind-blowing outfits TayTay wore this month.

White finished his tirade by excoriating the media for labeling any crowd speech a "rant." "I'm officially supposed to stop now because this is becoming a Kanye West-esque rant for RollingStone.com. Because apparently nowadays you're not allowed to speak to your own fans about anything lest it be a rant. So forget ISIS. Forget the war in the Middle East. Forget any problems at home. Forget gay marriage. This is not a rant. This is just me saying, 'Hello Cleveland! Brought to you by RollingStone.com.'"

He's like my Uncle Dave when he gets too much Old Crow bourbon in him and starts telling everyone in the family off for being "fuckin' ingrates and losers" until he passes out and one of has to drive him home while we pray that he doesn't pee himself in our car. That person is sadly usually me.


Mila Kunis and Ashton Kuchner went shopping for a new car IN THE VALLEY OMG. Dis-invite them from all the things, shun them for life, banish them, etc. etc. [TMZ]

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The Johnny Weir and Victor Voronov divorce gets sadder and uglier every day. [Contact Music]

Were you devastated to the point of tears that Matthew McConaughey won't be in the Magic Mike XXL sequel? Well maybe the news that the always lovely and brilliant Andie MacDowell has signed on for film will be the equivalent of Hollywood kissing your boo boos and making them all better. I have nothing more to add to this news except to say that if you do not click on this link to the AV Club to see the picture they made to commemorate this joyous occasion, your life will be empty forever and your soul will die. Not exaggerating. [AV Club]

Oh big surprise there is drama on the set of The View. I did not see that one coming at all. Not by a long shot. Rosie O'Donnell and Nicolle Wallace reportedly "clashed" (LIKE MOTHERFUCKING TITANS) off the air after a heated exchange about President Obama. Sigh. Hey, newsflash. Women can disagree and argue about things without the world melting and blood vendettas being sworn. [Page Six]

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To congratulate MacDowell her new role, here is a video clip from an academic dissertation I unearthed titled Ease and Violence: Supporting the Proletariat in Germany's Mealworm Economy. It's good stuff!

Images via Getty.