On Friday, a flight attendant apparently acting as a drug mule flipped out at LAX when she was subject to a random TSA screening, to which airline workers don’t normally submit. Carrying almost 70 pounds of cocaine in her bags, she ditched them and made a run for it, escaping down an escalator and out the terminal after she kicked off her Gucci shoes. Today, she has turned herself in, and honestly I already want to read her memoir.

Advertisement

The drug-smuggling flight attendant has been identified as Marsha Gay Reynolds, a 32-year-old resident of Queens who somehow went from being a runner-up in 2007's Miss Jamaica World contest and a member of the NYU track team in 2004 to being the kind of person who attempts to transport several packages of cocaine across the country on a commercial airline. (She was an employee of JetBlue.)

The track experience clearly helped her getaway; the Guccis were size 8 1/2. According to the DEA, which now has Reynolds in custody, once she escaped the TSA she was somehow able to board a separate flight to LaGuardia in New York, after which she traveled to her apartment in Queens and, later, posted up in the JFK Airport Hilton. What! Authorities found 11 packages of cocaine in her bag, marked “BIG Ranch,” along with clothes and some Trojan condoms. The whole drug smuggler thing notwithstanding, at least she was practicing safe sex.

Advertisement

The most curious part of this story, truly, is that Reynolds apparently made a phone call before she bolted and was speaking in a language “not English or Spanish” that the TSA agent in question did not recognize. What language could it have possibly been? My first guess, before Reynolds was identified, was that she was speaking Dominican Spanish and maybe the slang was simply too advanced for the TSA person, but knowing she has Jamaican roots makes me think she was perhaps just speaking in patois, or another variation of Creole. Or, for the love of god, was she just talking like a person from Queens?! Seriously, though, how can you work at LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT and not at least have an inkling or ability to register an educated guess about what language a person is speaking? Like, dog? Really? Okay? Shit.

Reynolds is due to be arraigned Thursday in Brooklyn.