Banging in Public Bathrooms is D.C.'s Hottest Trend. Is Your City Next?

If breaking a public bathroom sink with only the force of your thrusts of ecstasy is a dream you have not realized, you may want to pack your hazmat suit (because public bathrooms, am I right?) and head to Washington D.C., land of beautiful monuments, center of American politics, and home to the newest sex trend: Vigorous restroom fucking. (Or just wait, because this is probably coming to a Sonic near you.)

I don’t get why the hell this is a thing — don’t you have your own bathrooms to fuck in? My bathroom has a shower in it! There’s no shower at the Taco bell down the street — but apparently the excitement of doing naughty things in public places, coupled with the intoxicating feeling that comes only when one has ruined hundreds to thousands of dollars worth of plumbing is a potent aphrodisiac, even when the location of your impetuous meeting is likely covered in the urine of countless others.

The trend has grown so wide-spread among D.C. citizens that restaurant owners are changing the way they design their bathrooms (sinks with reinforced legs are a MUST) and the Washington City Paper has added a new category to its best-of list: Best restaurant to bang in the bathroom. What’s next? Best fitting room to lay the most humongous deuce you have ever seen? Best pool to urinate in while making direct eye contact with a senior citizen (who is also likely urinating)? Could somene get Stefon to curate a list for us? “D.C.’s hottest club is LAVATRI. This place has got everything: Locking doors, wet floors, a handicapped stall the size of your college dorm room, and two men named Lionel dressed as soap dispensers slap-fighting in the corner.”

The handicapped stall, by the way, is apparently the most popular place for couples to get dirty (literally, because bacteria and tequila vomit) due to its luxurious size and locking door. But some couples don’t ever make it into the stalls:

For restaurateur and barman Todd Thrasher, the story that sticks with him most happened when he was a 26-year-old bartender working at the now-closed Café Atlántico in Penn Quarter. The restaurant used to have crazy Saturday night dance parties. One night, as he was knee-deep in making mojitos and caipirinhas, a woman told him two girls had locked themselves in the multi-stall restroom. Thrasher knocked first but didn’t hear anything, so he pushed the door open to find the women almost completely naked on the floor. “One girl was on her back. The other girl was doing what she had to do to the girl with her feet against the door,” he says. “I’m like, ‘Ladies, you really can’t be doing this here. There’s a stall right there!'”

And some customers aren’t even fazed by being caught:

Justin Abad says he watched a couple peel off from a group one New Year’s Eve and head into the restroom together. “I knocked on the door and said, ‘I’m glad you’re having a great time, but you’re going to have to do that someplace else,'” he says. The guy opened the door and said to Abad, “You know, man, it’s New Year’s Eve. Are you sure?” Abad was sure. Meanwhile, the woman was turning beet red and trying to pull her partner away. “And he was like, ‘No, no, no. You look like a pretty cool guy,'” Abad recalls, as the man tried to bargain with him further. “I said, ‘I am a pretty cool guy, but I’m telling you, I can’t let you do that in the bathroom.'”

That’s right, you can’t! There are people waiting to use those stalls legitimately! People who have drunk seven ginger ales without ice because a soda cost $5 and by god they were going to get their money’s worth. (This is not a personal anecdote.) (But, yes, of course it is.)

Of course, some restaurateurs have embraced the love-making that’s going on in the latrine, as long as no one’s complaining.

“My feeling is, as long as they’re not shooting heroin, I’m fine with anything they do,” says Alan Popovsky, who owns Lincoln Restaurant and Teddy & The Bully Bar. He won’t necessarily interrupt unless another patron complains. “It’s usually only in the stalls, so no one really knows what’s going on. You just hear these sounds of, um, pleasure.”