Residents of New York City, feel free to have a meltdown: according to a study published by the University of Texas MD Anderson Cancer Center, it isn’t a stray mutated subway rat or a pack of bodega incense dipped in Axe that will somehow give you lung cancer. Nope, apparently its your morning bagel—or as you can now call it, “the tastiest harbinger of death.”

Though I’m loathe to quote Woody Allen, this line from Annie Hall is apparently pretty pertinent: “Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college.” If you’re looking for proof that there is no God, then you’ve found it.

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As per the paper—and as reported by Gothamist—those who have a diet that results in a high glycemic index—namely those who nom on food that can rocket a person’s blood glucose and have a predisposition for said effect—can be as much as twice as more likely to develop lung cancer than those who don’t. Which means that for some, eating a bagel or white rice can be just as deadly as smoking an actual cancer stick.

As a full-blooded Jew, give me bagels or give me death. A life without what I call “shtetl bread” is not a life at all.


Contact the author at jamie.reich@jezebel.com.

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