Ok, I have something to admit. This isn’t the sort of statement I normally like to throw around in such a public forum but it has to be said: For the past 6 weeks of The Bachelorette, I’ve been…well…bored. Like if you gave me an annoyingly-beautiful wall and asked me to paint it Bright Vanilla, I’d be more intrigued by watching said paint dry than watching what should be the bestestshowaroundlikeobviduh. It’s not just that it’s been mundane, it’s been depressing. Like a three-legged puppy. Or Bryden’s haircut.
But then… Oh, but then. Suddenly we have Drew appearing as if from nowhere (no, but really) and pressing Desiree right UP against that building and… Dayum. I haven’t felt this excited since Juan Pablo first said “Hola.”
…Too bad he deserts her next week. Way to literally show us the rest of the season, ABC. Jesus. Here’s a poem for you: Say/ “spoiler alert”/ first. / You’ve / ruined/ my life.
Whatever. Now I’m not even bored, I’m just angry. Well, I’m angry and I’m mad. I’m angry, I’m mad, I’m perturbed, I’m beyond miffed.
(…Except I’m totally not and I CAN’T WAIT.)
8: Potential suitors.
1: New destination.
Apparently unlimited: Locations that qualify as “the perfect place to fall in love.” Yes, I remember Atlantic City.
30: Amount of times a man has picked up Des before saying hello.
1: Delightful observation by Drew/Casper – “Oh! It’s raining!”
4 KPM: Rate of mackin’ on Drew and Des’s date.
2: Childhood-turmoil reveals that made Drew go from cute to A-DOR-AB-LE. (It’s really hard to figure out how to write the syllable breakdown for that word.)
1: Reasons a guy pulls you into an alley and throws you against a wall, per Drew: “I’m being overwhelmed by emotions.”
5: Words that, one might say, steamed up the joint = “I’m there and I’m his.”
4th: Installment in the Bring It On franchise called “In It To Win It.” Just sayinnnn.
1: Reminder of why I heart Desiree = “Drew is just makin’ out but in such a great way.”
9: Extra O’s in “love” it takes to drive any male human, beast, or foul far, far away. Except these 6 dudes.
5 million: Accurate self-assessment of the amount of times Desiree has said “I’m here to find love.” Seriously, James. 5 million times.
1: More thing that makes me wonder what Michael G’s last initial stands for. Nice headband, babe.
“A lot”: Number of things, like James’s declaration, that “can be taken out of context.” Yes, Desiree. We are familiar with reality television.
2: Translations of the name “Juan Pablo” = “You have no chance and I am going after Desiree at this moment in the soccer field” and “Sexual Soufflé”
4: Thoughts my soccer-expert father would like to share with our Jezebel readers:
1) “If Juan Pablo was a professional soccer player in Spain, then I’m the drummer in One Direction. [Like they have drummers, old man.] A true Spanish professional would have run rings around the other team or shoot the ball so hard the goalkeeper wouldn’t have time to move.”
2) “A crash dummy positioned equidistant from both goal posts would have saved more goals than James.”
3) “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, you head the ball with your forehead not the top of your ponytail.”
4) “Seriously, I’d sooner believe Juan Pablo was a professional ventriloquist than a pro soccer player.”
1: Thought my father quite unexpectedly kept to himself = It’s my team and I, Desiree.
1: Long-lost Efron twin (Kasey, duh) now starring in She’s The Man 2: Really, Girls Can’t Play Soccer.
0: Times the guys have seen the first She’s the Man. You are quite obviously not going to win this nationally televised battle of the sexes.
2: Things that could “embarrass us forever”: Losing to the “girl scouts,” and, ya know, being a contestant on The Bachelorette. Two for two, boys. Nicely done.
1: Thing I have in common with James. When the going gets tough, the tough say, “Somebody switch with me.”
8: Point spread of this futbol match. Senoritas for the win.
Anyone but the people on screen: Could have seen that coming.
1: Way to make this season far more interesting = “I feel like I could give you any activity and you’d be able to do it so good,” says Des in her boudoir.
0: Respect Desiree shows for the A-B-A-B rhyming scheme. Where is your decency, madam?
1: More place to add to the PPFL (Perfect Place to Fall in Love) list = Chicago. Apparently.
Never: Use the word “hearsay” in front of a federal prosecutor if you don’t want your ass handed to you on a Tort-Law platter.
1: Person ever who has called anything that happens in The Bachelorette “guy talk.” Now I know you’re a liar, James.
1: Word “counteraccusate” is not.
2: Words I wrote when James said, “Guess what? Mikey and I are two different people.” = WAIT. WHAT.
55: Words James is supposed to say every hour, as medically described by his Anti-Implosion Doctor.
3: Things the guys are totally saying about James. “This,” “that,” and “the other”?!?
But really: Stop. Making. Him. Talk.
59: Seconds per minute of crying for which James stared directly into the camera.
4: More shades of orange Zak is than a California Navel. What’s goin on there, sweetie?
24: Years I’ve waited for a black box on The Bachelorette screen. And it’s the human model for Gollum?
Factor of three: Pattern of growth of Zak’s cheeks and ears from week to week.
96: Total years Zak’s parents have been married. Know the answer before you respond.
2: WKCN’s for Des this week (Wall Kisses in the Cover of Night). Get it, gurl.
800: Times James said “reality” and/or “normal” without fully understanding what those words mean.
1: Sound Michael’s just dying to make, that catty betch.
#2: Rank of “How are you guys feeling?” in their contract’s section, “Topics To Break Awkward Silence.” (#1 of course being, “Where’d you get your v-neck?”)
1: More reasons to dump James = Button-down with flip flops.
HELP: “Every quality that I’ve been able to see has been somebody that I’ve always been looking for for my whole life.” – James. Of course he means what he says, Des. He says only nonsense.
100: Percent of eskimos who would buy ice from anyone in Barcelona, really. They are not designed for that climate, Kasey. Gawd.
0: Percent of shit that did, in fact, hit the fan with James. Twice.
2: GLORIOUS puddles of underboob stains on James’s lilac oxford. Someone forgot to bring his Under Armor to Espana.
1:Rule I’m always telling people = “If I feel like I’m more in tune with me and reality then you should respect that.” I hear ya, James. I hear ya.
2: Reasons Drew should be hired as a producer – 1) “Desiree may have a mutiny on her hands.” 2) “I don’t get why she hasn’t slapped him and said ‘How dare you? You’re a pig! You’re an asshole! You disgust me! You need to go home!’”
1: Reason Michael should be the producer of every show ever – “If James gets a rose tonight, I think the group is gonna collectively shit themselves.” You kind of look like you did, though, Michael.
1,000: Occasions I’m more than happy to spend with you and Camilla, Juan Pablo. Christmas and birthday parties are just the beginning!
Image via ABC.