Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

Last night at MTV's European Music Awards, the fashion was all over the place. While some ladies opted for the usual music award show uniform — lots of skin/weird colors/patterns — some others were more conservative. Ladylike, even. That said: Hardly anyone looked good. Let's see, shall we?

Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

Jordan Catalano and his band were there in hipster drag.

Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

The tall Norwegian drinks of water known as Ylvis wore muted tones, while Ron Burgundy was, of course, in Burgundy. That's Armin van Buuren over there on the right in that fairly hideous salmon-colored jacket.

Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

Teen Wolf's Colton Haynes and his chiseled jaw rocked midnight blue velvet.

Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

Once I watched the "Lipstick" video by preternatural laughably-coiffed animé elves Jedward and I immediately regrettted it. That is all. (You can get the same is-this-a-fae-realm-gay-porn-fantasy-or-is-this-really-happening result with "Waterline.")

Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

Tyson Beckford wore the hell out of a white dinner jacket. Shanina Shaik stunned in gold. Are there secret messages hidden in the pattern of Louise Roe's dress? Perhaps.

Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

This might be controversial but I'm 100% behind Lapo Elkann's flame-hued suit, knitted tie, sunglasses and extra shades tucked into the pocket. When one is an Italian automobile heir and/or the son of a Countess and/or formerly Henry Kissinger's assistant, one may say fuck it and wear whatever. Do it. Do it big. Who cares. Meanwhile: Been trying to figure out what kind of style RJ Mitte aka Breaking Bad's Walt Jr. — has, especially considering this photoshoot… And it seems to be classy-rock 'n roll à la Lenny Kravitz, which is a great way to go.

Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

Redfoo and Victoria Azarenka stuck with basic black, as did Bridgit Mendler. Caroline Hjelt and Aino Jawo — aka Icona Pop — looked sharp while baring bits of skin.

Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

Dutch actress and singer Carice van Houten got gussied up in a slinky dress and a fascinator. The dress on Dutch actress and writer Halina Reijn mixes lace and pattern and makes your eyes hurt if you stare at it too long.

Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

Dutch singer-songwriter Eva Simons — known for "This Is Love" and "I Don't Like You" actually read the manual and dressed the part of larger-than-life outrageous pop star. The hair rules. This is what we want to see on a music awards red carpet. Thank you.

Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

Chris Lee (Li Yuchun) won the Best Worldwide Act award at the show, becoming the third Asian artist in a row to win. In 2005, she won Super Girl, a nationwide singing competition in China. Here is a video in which she sings and dances and is taunted by a mean Harlequin. Caro Emerald went with a jazzy retro vibe, which fits her sound — one of her jazzy retro numbers, "A Night Like This," was on an episode of Pretty Little Liars.

Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

Ariana Grande did her Ariana Grande schtick, which is to look like a demure little doll. The hose is killing me but I guess that's what everyone is doing these days.

Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

Also did demure: Katy Perry. Hair? Terrible. Dress? Bad? Maybe? The fabric pulls and bunches and gaps but it's a good idea for a dress. The look wavers between Great Aunt Mildred as Mother of the Bride and Dita von Teese dresses as Joan from Mad Men.

Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

Iggy Azalea has a thigh and a groomed mons pubis, and was determined to prove it. C+ on the gown, B+ on the shoes, A+ on the eyeliner.

Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

Ellie Goulding's lacy gown with a cheeky rear view: Pretty, if not terrible exciting.

Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

Awful Dresses and Hideous Hair at the MTV EMAs

Last, but not least: Ms. Destiny Hope Cyrus had Biggie and Tupac adorning her buttocks, and awful checkered optical illusion open-toed go go boots. The good thing about the boots is that they reminded me of this Rita Pavone video.

Images via Getty.