Jezebel: Astrology

Your New Zodiac Sign Probably Wouldn't Change Much

Margaret Hartmann — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 18:31:00 EST

No, our astrological signs aren't actually changing, but what would happen if they did? Information is Beautiful analyzed 22,000 horoscopes and found we're in for lots of living and feeling either way. [Via Gizmodo] More »

Susan Miller Soothes All Of Your Fears

Dodai Stewart — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 13:25:00 EST

Saturday I attended an all-day seminar given by astrologer Susan Miller, where she stressed that no, your astrological sign has not "changed," and called the whole business "ridiculous." More »

Your Astrological Sign Isn't Really Changing, But It Was Fun While It Lasted

Jessica Coen — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 17:39:00 EST

This week we learned that silly tools with which you pretend to understand yourself are lies. More »

How Will Tonight's Lunar Eclipse Affect You?

Dodai Stewart — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 18:50:00 EST

Tonight, for the first time since 1378, a total lunar eclipse of a full moon falls on the winter solstice. OMFGWTFBBQ! What does it mean? More »

Astrologer Susan Miller Takes A Closer Look At Prince William & Kate

Dodai Stewart — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 15:40:00 EST

Though she already shared some thoughts about Prince William and Kate Middleton's engagement, at our request, frighteningly accurate astrologer Susan Miller has gone more in-depth! More »

Astrology Inspires Fashion, Gorgeousness Ensues

Jenna Sauers — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 17:40:00 EST

British Vogue has just published one of the most beautiful — and original — fashion editorials in ages. It's all about the signs of the zodiac, and it is downright dreamy. More »

Astrologer Susan Miller Has Good News & Bad News For William & Kate

Dodai Stewart — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 18:45:00 EST

Now that Prince William and Kate Middleton are officially engaged, noted astrologer Susan Miller has weighed in on the royal romance via Twitter. Good news! And, um, bad news. More »

User's Guide: Mercury In Retrograde

Sadie Stein — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 14:34:00 EDT

Apparently, it is (though not for too much longer). And apparently, that's supposed to explain a lot. But what, exactly, does it mean? And should it carry more or less weight than any astrological happening? More »

Way Too Many Americans Believe In Witches

Anna North — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 14:22:00 EDT

A new poll shows more than 20% of Americans believe in witches — but we can't judge, because we believe in some weird shit too. More »

Let's Gaze Into The Future With Your Very Own Jezebel Horoscope

Hortense Smith — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 14:00:00 EDT

Welcome, dear friends, to your Jezebel Horoscope for September, 2009. I've enlisted the help of completely phony and unreliable astrologist, Eloise McBean, to help us look to the stars to determine just what lies ahead of us this September. More »

Rage Of Aquarius

Sadie Stein — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 12:40:00 EST

Auto Trader has found that male Aquarians get into more accidents than any other group. Also accident-prone are those born in 1981 and Ford drivers, with Fridays as the most popular day for a fender bender. Auto Trader came to these conclusions by analyzing 4,600 insurance claims; to what end is unclear. (Good driving star signs include Scorpio and Sagittarius.) [Telegraph via Auto Trader] More »

25 Things All Women Should Learn To Do Already

Moe — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 15:00:00 EDT

In honor of its 75th anniversary the May Esquire has a big pullout feature called "75 Skills Every Man Should Master." The premise — Magazines! Lists! — is not exactly revolutionary, and the "skills," such as practicing "brand loyalty to at least one product" and "making three different bets at a craps table" are not exactly universally vital, but I'm writing about the feature precisely because it's so classically Esquire. Esquire is a magazine about "how to be a better man" or some John Wayne shit like that. Esquire doesn't try and tell its readers they are fine just the way they are. Esquire likes rules, definites, moral "absolutes" to substitute for the old moral absolutes in which modern society is so woefully deficient. Glamour would, for whatever reason, never tell its readers they needed to know how to deliver a eulogy or install a thermostat without asking for help, because they are too busy telling their readers to not feel guilty about being too emotional to deliver the eulogy without breaking down, or ask a dude for help installing the thermostat. Thank the nonexistent moral authorities that I don't get paid Glamour rates to write this stuff, right? More »

And The $300 Million Defense Contract Goes To...The 22-Year-Old Abusive Boyfriend Who Never Had A Job!

Moe — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Do you ever wonder, where do the weapons our Pentagon is buying to supply the Afghan counterinsurgency actually come from? Well, duh, China, but, let's start over. Meet Efraim Diveroli. He has some sort of $300 million Pentagon contract to supply ammunition to the government. He also has: never had a real job, a drinking problem, a woman with a restraining order against him, a beautiful headquarters in the heart of Miami Beach, a 25-year-old VP whose only certification in anything is that he is a licensed masseur, and wiretaps of him talking about bribing the Albanian defense department by sending him whores. And all of this makes sense because Efraim Diveroli is 22 YEARS OLD. Yeah, we talked about our allies in Pakistan and John McCain, Chelsea Clinton and that douchebag who asked her about Monica, polling data, where that Bosnia story really came from, Donald Trump, corporate profits and our hangovers — oh and don't miss the riveting discussion of our Facebook horoscopes and Diddy and Tupac— but shit gets really epic when Glamocracy's Megan and I get down to...which under-25 year old Israeli mob arms dealer we'd rather get down with! Jump. More »

Instant Karma

Jessica G. — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 09:45:00 EST

As a penance for stoning two dogs to death in his teens, an Indian man is gettin' hitched. P. Selvakumar, married a bitch (literally!) named Selvi, chosen by his family members and then dressed in a sari. According to Selvakumar, after he killed two dogs and hung their bodies from a tree, "my legs and hands got paralyzed and I lost hearing in one ear." An astrologer told him the only way to improve his karma was to get married to a dog to absolve his past sins. Let's hope Selvakumar knows there's another sort of animal abuse he should avoid; it's called bestiality. [MSNBC] More »

Science Way Less Accurate Than Astrology, O Finds

Moe — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 14:00:00 EDT

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Astrology has a scientific basis in FACT! That's what a story in the November O: The Oprah Magazine claims anyway. Basically the way you are can maybe kind of be explained by the amount of sunlight to which you were exposed in the womb, in addition to three trillion other variables they learned about from watching rats. The story explains that if you were born in spring and early summer you are more likely to be dyslexic, suicidal and anorexic whereas you're more likely to be schizophrenic if you're born in the late winter, which jives with "think-outside-the-box" Aquarius and "foot-fixated Taurus." Okay, but let's get to the important part i.e. how this affects us.

People born in the fall have been found to be more likely to develop panic disorder and/or drug abuse problems.

Which sounds kind of enlightening, though it fails to explain why Virgos get all the panic attacks and Libras get all the liver disease, but we found a fatal flaw to the underlying logic at play here! More »