Answers to '10 Questions Men Are Too Scared to Ask Women'

Question: Why do women get madder and madder as they ponder something irritating and stupid even when there's no point? Because shoes. No really, so, according to Redbook, men are terrified to talk to women, but it's not their fault: Ladies be confusin'. What with the talking and the mysterious food purchases, it's a wonder the rigidly, unequivocally not-alike-AT-ALL two genders have anything in common while Venusin' and Marsin' it up on this piece.

But sometimes, when the moon is full and the whiskey is right, a man gets to scratchin' something other than his ball sack, and wants to actually find out what the 411 is on his lady and her lady ways. When that happens, you get something like "10 Questions Men Are Too Scared to Ask Women," which could also be titled "Huh? (Ball Scratch.)"

It's funny because the idea of a guy being too scared to simply fuckin' talk to an actual woman in his life during all these situatio — oh never mind. You get why it's dumb. The writer helps "decode guy behavior" for his regular column, but here he puts aside his laser like grasp on wacky-extreme gender differences and finally asks women to help decode their own behavior in this lil' Q&A. So. Illuminating.

I applaud the female bloggers and celebrities who patiently answered his questions as if they were explaining good parenting techniques to Rush Limbaugh, but what I wish they'd done was just show him how dumb the questions were in the first place. They are seriously like, year-1986 dildo questions. Not 2013 year of the woman questions. Didn't he get the memo?

The questions irk further because they reveal, for a grown man, such relentless lack of curiosity in their subtext — so much so that I suspect it is ON PURPOSE. But let's say he's really trying to be funny-slash-helpful and really doesn't know the answers. I know that most women's magazines run on the blood of body dysmorphia, eating disorders and the crisp white, timeless button-up shirt of binary gender, but it seems more retrograde than ever when a modern man of actually today is acting all like he still isn't sure what the shopping is all about. Hmmm, what's with shoes you guys? He really does actually ask in words.

Need it be actually said out loud again? Not all women:

  • Have lots of shoes
  • Dish on every sexual detail to their friends
  • Lust after vampires
  • Think the accoutrements of sex appeal are a secret no one has noticed
  • Are irritable Jekyll and Hydes with family vs the world
  • Are health-food obsessed flakes
  • Are non-visual feelies who never pay attention to a man's looks or dick size
  • Must be cajoled into sex
  • Worship at the hem of The Notebook

Oh, but there is one place they still do love all these things: over at Redbook, in the mind of go-to guy columnist, who single-handledly makes women sound like idiotic stiletto and quinoa dingbats. (And even for women who do love all those things in that list, there's nothing mystifying about it.)

Yeah yeah, it's all so lighthearted and harmless! He's just joshin'! But no — it is precisely these notions about women and their habits and behaviors and concerns that perpetuate that women are shallow, frivolous people. With bad taste and silly interests.

You think this doesn't contribute to lesser pay, not being taken seriously, and being ignored if you aren't one fine piece of shoe-wearing, padded-bra-having ass?

And beyond all of this, the very notion of cultural femininity — the upkeep, the concern for appearance — gets stuck to women both ways. We are silly for falling all over ourselves to look good (always for men, in their minds), who can't help but wonder — are we really such a dum-dum that we don't know that men know that we're faking it with our heels and bras and makeup? Oh they know. They know. And yet, you still won't fuck them. Explain that, could you?

On that note, instead of answers to the "10 Questions Men Are Too Scared to Ask," I really have some questions back.

Bombs away:

Why so many shoes?

Why so many tools? Do you think men are above collecting things people might consider frivolous or stupid or a waste of money? Do you exist? Have you ever talked to a woman or read a newspaper?

My wife chats about our sex life with her friends. How can women do this?

To decimate you completely in one fell infantilizing swoop to the nuts. No really, I see here that you are married, so, no shit, I have to assume you've asked her why she does it? Like, hey honey, why'd you tell Melissa that my dick got soft the other day when the cat jumped on my balls and laugh hysterically? Just curious.

Vampires — really?

I'm not into vampires, but I would sooo take cool, detached, immortal mystique over ball-scratching Cheeto-breath guy with Dumb Questions. No idea if that's what you're like, it's just what this column smells like.

Do you think we don't know it's a padded bra?

Do you think we don't know you're scratching your balls, shaving your face, wearing shoes with a slight heel, hosing off the stink, and so on? I find it unfathomable that you've never talked to a woman before now about bra construction, ostensibly the one item of clothing you've spent lots of time considering! The irritation quotient vs. usefulness or obligation of said item in a woman's life has definitely come up at least once, and we all know it, so come correct with the dumbness. Hint: The padding is not for you.

How can a woman hold it together for everyone else but have such a short fuse with her husband?

Please, show me a dude who isn't grumpy with his loved ones and I will personally send you and your family a monthly subscription to women with transparently low tits, just one pair of shoes, no desire to speak to friends about your penis, whose favorite movie is Cool Hand Luke. Would this sort of woman be less confusing?

Why do you buy uber-healthy food that you're not going to eat?

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but I think it is paved with boxes full of unopened Bowflex machine parts. Seriously, what's your damage? Brad says you're being a real cooze.

Size does matter, doesn't it?

Looks do matter, don't they? Like every single aspect of physical appearance among humans, name any desired attribute, and it all matters up to a point. This is not a gender thing! Like income, after $75,000, it's negligible.

Why is it so hard to talk women into sex?

Have you tried dressing up as a vampire? I hear it gets you instant splash. Let me rephrase this question for you to reveal what you seem to actually mean: I want to have sex. I'm married, therefore I think I should get sex. But I don't want to have to talk a woman into it. And if I do have to talk her into it, I want it to work pretty easily. Just me, pestering her, and then getting some sex. Or I just want to start touching her and have that be instant sex recipe. I shouldn't have to be appealing in a way that actually elicits desire on her terms, I just think I should get fucked, so why am I not getting fucked?

Why won't you admit that The Notebook is a lousy film?

Ugh, I dunno dude. Why won't you admit that the Fast and Furious franchise is lousy? Because there's something in it that was written directly to you and never the twain of actual thinkin' about its critical merit shall meet. I’m guessing that's how the women who love The Notebook feel about it, too. I wouldn't know, not my bag.

But that's not really the point here. The point is, you fucking know why. But for some lazy reason, this is your chosen light-hearted way to generalize women because clearly that's something you're invested in. And as long as you are, you'll have tons of fodder for the endless mystique to be found in the fake dead-but-very-much-alive sweeping generalizations about what it means to be a man or a woman. Hey, that sounds a lot like vampires! Ding ding ding!

Image by Sam Woolley.