Ann Coulter Is Adorable

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman on a book tour must be in want of a flirtation with controversy. The adorable Miss Ann Coulter — of the New York Coulters — is no exception to the rule. The charming and amiable authoress has recently embarked on the publicity tour for Never Trust a Liberal Over Three — Especially a Republican and cannot, no matter the occasion, stop saying the most darling little things.

During a recent parlor conversation with the esteemed ladies of The View, Miss Coulter, who earned a Bachelor of Arts from Cornell University and is an alumna of the Delta Gamma sorority (very accomplished indeed!), voiced her displeasure at the crude and distasteful idea that a female woman could lead our country better than a man could.

Heavens no, stated the unwaivering patriot, twirling her champagne blonde hair around a thin and finely shaped finger. She then, lowering her voice to convey the simply scandalous nature of her words, whispered, “There’s a reason the words bitchy and hysteria come from females.”

Oh, Ann! You are deliciously dangerous!

Then — as so often happens with the finer, less-politically capable sex — the conversation turned to gossip and gentlemen.

“Ted Cruz and Mike Lee are probably the two smartest U.S. senators…The number three guy — I’ll give you Chuck Schumer,” said Miss Coulter, her lip suddenly curling impishly as she glanced up from beneath a curtain of comely lashes, “but I think Mike Lee and Ted Cruz are cuter.”

Ah, even the shyest of blinks could not hide the becoming glimmer of her eye! But what of he who once held her heart so steadfastly? What of former dalliance Christopher Christie of the New Jersey Christies? They would have made a fine match. Oh, a fine match indeed.

“He is no longer my love,” she stated, proud and defiant.

Fickle be the heart of even the most fine and winsome of ladies!

But devious, hysterical and cruelly feminine as she may be, the captivating Miss Coulter — like a kitten who scratches and spits — will never cease to be precious.

Coulter Rips The View Hosts for Claim Women Govern Better: ‘Bitchy’ and ‘Hysteria’ Are Female Traits [Mediaite]