• Paris Hilton entered guilty pleas on two misdemeanor counts and has finally admitted the coke was hers. Her plea deal gets her a year's probation. [CNN]
• The judge says straighten up and fly right. Or else. [US]

• Elle MacPherson eats powdered rhino horn as a dietary supplement, because, "It works for me." Except: rhinos are endangered, and the only way to get rhino horn is to cut one off a rhino and leave it to die. [TOL]

• Ghost Whisperer co-stars Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy have split after one year of dating. There are no details on the split just yet, though surely Preston Meyers is somewhere holding a letter, yelling, "This is my sign!" [People]

• Early on Monday morning, Rihanna was celebrating the Saints' Super Bowl win at a Miami club with Kim Kardashian and Timbaland, when a partygoer chucked a champagne bottle at their table from the balcony above and almost hit her.

• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick's surrogate gave birth to their twin girls this morning in Ohio. Sarah Jessica and Matthew are at the hospital with the surrogate and released a statement saying:

• Police are investigating Lindsay Lohan because she's accused of walking off with the jewels she wore during a photo shoot for British Elle. [The Sun]

• Beyoncé on her fake "screeching" recording:

• A month after being diagnosed with breast cancer, Christina Applegate is now cancer-free. "I'm clear," she told Robin Roberts of Good Morning America earlier today. "Absolutely 100 percent clear and clean. It did not spread — they got everything out, so I'm definitely not going to die from breast cancer." She went on to say: "My decision, after looking at all the treatment plans that were possibilities for me, the only one that seemed the most logical and the one that was going to work for me was to have a bilateral mastectomy." Apparently she had the surgery about three weeks ago. She'll have reconstructive surgery in the coming months. Be well! [ABC News]
• Madonna made a 40-minute speech on her birthday and admitted that she was "disappointed" that some of her celebrity BFFs, including Gwyneth Paltrow and Stella McCartney, didn't come to her party. But! Lourdes sang for her, and Guy told her she's beautiful. Is it enough for the woman who wants it all? (Do you think Madge gets depressed?) [MSNBC]
• Apparently Jennifer Aniston is not impressed that John "The Player" Mayer made that speech about her being the smartest most sophisticated person ever. A friend of Jen's says: "He is the biggest jerk ever. How dare he set up a p.r. stunt like that? He should be ashamed of himself and just shut his mouth." [Page Six]

Welcome to Midweek Madness, wherein we ruminate on how celebrities are just like us, in that we hate them commensurately to the degree we hate ourselves. In which we "read" the Wednesday tabs. So you don't "have" to.