Screenshot via Vogue

This year’s Met Gala quite honestly blew chunks in terms of creativity, with a theme that should have been one of the freakiest. But whether the mediocrity had to do with celebrity lack of imagination or simply #sponcon, at least we can always rely on André Leon Talley’s celebrity carpet kikis to elevate us into the moment, darling!

Rihanna, of course, was one of the few attendees who rose to the challenge, wearing a Fall 2016 Comme des Garçons look that, she said, was easy to put on—“it’s like booty shorts and you buckle some snaps.” And, as ALT observes for the viewers at home, she smells great! Obviously.

The king of small talk will have his reign!

To Kim Kardashian: “Where’s Kanye?

To the lovely and glowing Serena Williams’s fiancé Alexis Ohanian: “Where are you from?”

To Future: “Where do you live, most of the time?”

To Caroline Kennedy, fabulous in Comme: “You look so beautiful!” Caroline: “You sound so surprised!”

To Lupita Nyong’o: “The color is like a wonderful, fresh melon. You look delicious!”

To Katy Perry: “I can see myself in your little mirrors! This is like little headsets!”

To Selena Gomez: “Is this your first Met Ball?” Selena: “This is my fourth.”

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But don’t underestimate ALT’s ability to get serious, about serious things. Here he is with Zöe Kravitz, talking very gravely about an important topic: Big Little Lies. “It was one of the best things on television, ever. I watched every night!”

Kravitz tries to talk about her dress—the bust of which is made of real roses—but ALT is not having it. He just wants to talk about the ending of Big Little Lies. “Woman empowerment!”

And then to Reese Witherspoon: “Some of your best, finest work is with Big Little Lies. Every Sunday night I watched it! I cried at the end when you were all looking out onto the ocean!... Every girl was important! Every character was totally, it was so correct, all, everything was perfect about it!” Brief pause for dress talk, and then— “I can’t say words enough, it’s touched so many people! Every Sunday, I turned in, I turned in. All winter long, okay!”

With Nicki Minaj, it’s back to clothes, though. “WHAAAT? H and M???”

Jaden Smith is “going for a Dracula look, a kind of Matrix vibe... since I couldn’t bring my sister as a date, I brought my old hair.” (ALT claps; at first he thought Jaden’s hair was “some weed, or old hay?”) “This is avant-garde!”

Anna Cleveland, daughter of supermodel Pat Cleveland, is both a Comme runway model and the face of the exhibit catalog, so of course she’s wearing Comme. ALT: “This is provocateur! This is elegant disruptive! It’s absolutely brilliant and modérne!”

Finally: André Leon Talley does not appear to have ever heard of Play by Comme des Garçons—Comme’s extremely popular, less expensive diffusion line.

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ALT, never change!