If there is a God, this winter he's made it pretty clear that he never wants to you to feel the warmth of the sun on your face or the tickle of grass on your feet ever again. But paralyzing ice storms and butt-puckering temperatures are no excuse to give up and despair. Not when there's so much amazing TV to watch.
This week closes with another round of storms for the east and continued cold for the Midwest, as much of the country continues to labor under the heavy ennui of, to be honest, the worst fucking winter in recent memory. It's hard not to give in to the feeling that the whole world is a half melted dog piss flavored snow cone and will continue to be forever, or, in the case of our friends in the middle of the country and to the north (HI, CANADA!), the feeling that eyelid skin is constantly at risk of freezing and cracking off like a thin ice film and will always be, forever.
But luckily, you're not alone. In fact, you're so not alone that entire TV shows have basically been made about your predicament. Many of them are available for you to binge watch, right now.
It's a show about people who are trapped in a spaceship hurtling through the inhospitable, life-averse environment of deep space. Much like you are trapped in you apartment hurtling toward signing a lease in LA even though you hate driving. (Available on Netflix)
Daria is the animated story of a sassy jaded teen who is compelled by her parents and law to make the terrible slog through high school, much like you, cold weather survivor, must make the terrible slog to the bodega down the block because you didn't realize until after it started snowing that you are 100% out of both toilet paper and paper towels. (Available on HuluPlus)
The well acted, hilariously written story of a team of assholes attempting to be important in Washington, DC. I like to imagine that the story in Veep and the story in House of Cards are happening concurrently and it's only a matter of time before Julia Louis-Dreyfus pratfalls her way into the pages of Slugline. A helpful reminder that, no matter what the weather's like, most of life is futility anyway. (Available on HBOGo)
House of Cards
In this stylish, binge watchable political thriller, Kevin Spacey plays Rep. Frank Underwood, a devious, scheming Congressman who manipulates and fools powerful people into doing his bidding. Much like you have manipulated and fooled yourself into thinking your psyche can withstand not taking a warm weather vacation this winter. (Season 2 debuts this Friday on Netflix)
The Blue Planet
Contrary to what conditions outdoors may indicate, water in its liquid form still does exist in large quantities on Planet Earth. This visually stunning series, from National Geographic, is video proof of that. It's also video proof that life is brutal and indifferent and maybe it's better if you just stay on your couch smoking weed forever. (Available on Amazon Prime)
David Lynch changed the face of the network TV drama forever with this surreal, creepy story of a dead girl in a mysterious town in Washington. A real uplifting story of triumph compared to the prospect of dealing with six more fucking weeks of this goddamn bullshit. (Available on Netflix)
Game of Thrones
The only thing colder than the temperature in International Falls, Minnesota is the casual heartless disregard this show has for the feelings of its viewers. Besides, with a tagline like Winter Is Coming, this show's never been more topical or current. (Available on HBOGo)
Mystery Science Theater 3000
This is a show about a group of nerds who are trapped in a spaceship forced to watch bad movies for eternity. Might be too real. (Available on Netflix or Amazon Prime)
Considered by many to be on of the greatest television shows of all time. A handy reminder that the world outside of your house is terrible. (Available on HBOGo)
Top of the Lake
This show's got everything: incest, rape, murder, abortion talk, kids with guns, hysterical crying, bar bathroom cunnilingus, Elisabeth Moss's Kiwi accent. It's like all of the seasons of Law & Order: SVU were combined, juiced, and served ultra concentrated, and it will bum you the fuck out. But whatever. It's not like you had anywhere to go. (Available on Netflix)
The Mindy Project
After the bummerfest of most of the other shows, you might need a comedy, and Mindy Kaling's breezy longform romcom's really been hitting its stride this season. At least someone's doing something with themselves. (Available on HuluPlus)
A slow-moving, complicated cop drama/thriller that occasionally scares the shit out of its viewers with truly terrifying shots that will severely interfere with your ability to sleep, thus freeing your evenings to watch the next season of House Of Cards. Spoiler alert! STOP READING IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE SHOW Matthew McConaughey was probably a fantastic actor this whole time. (Available on HBOGo)
Any other stuck indoors binge watching suggestions? You know what to do.