In 1996, Candace Cameron was cast in a Lifetime movie called No One Would Tell, in which she played a teen who was being abused by her boyfriend (played by Fred Savage)—with Unauthorized Full House, the network finally made a movie about the actual show that made her famous. But with it, there was no scorned cast member ready and willing to dish dirt, the way Dustin Diamond informed and executive-produced Lifetime’s Saved by the Bell biopic. Execs admitted to conjuring up the Unauthorized Full House story based on interviews and public knowledge.
It was my duty to watch the film, not as a Full House fan, but as an obsessed John Stamos fan. As someone who owns two Uncle Jesse dolls (one includes Rebecca and their twins), a puzzle in his likeness and who once had stickers made of his face during a street art phase over a decade ago, I was curious to see how Lifetime would portray my Grecian boo.
When I first saw a photo of Lifetime’s designer impostor John Stamos and the other cast members, I described the feeling it produced was uncanny valley. They looked similar to the real actors but very, very off. At least Justin Gaston, the actor playing Stamos, is hot. Real-life John Stamos sent a message:
The first scene depicting “John Stamos” shows him working at his father’s diner. A couple of years before, he had a breakthrough role as Blackie Parrish in General Hospital. There is a crowd of soap opera fans in the diner, ogling him. “They’re not here to see John Stamos, they’re here to see Blackie Parrish,” John complains. There is no mention of his under-appreciated roles from the years before that, like when he appeared in the eerie, live-action version of Alice in Wonderland. There is not even a whisper of the awesomely-terrible cult film Never Too Young to Die, which teamed Stamos up with Vanity (yes, of Vanity 6) to fight an evil hermaphrodite named Velvet Von Ragner played by Gene Simmons. “I’ve had two failed series and I’m not even 22 yet. No one’s gonna hire me, I’m damaged goods,” John complains.
In my dreams, Cher’s character from Moonstruck comes in and screams, “Snap out of it!” But instead, his dad gives him a motivating pep talk. “Fewer parties, more work,” he advises. Oh, the dad is played by Peter DeLuise. Lifetime has been doing this thing lately where they throw someone surprising in some rando cameo. For instance, two weeks ago I watched a Lifetime Original Movie in which Stacey Dash (aka Dionne from Clueless) was playing a secretary.
The film then transitions to the auditions, in which everyone starts trying out for Full House and getting cast in their roles, except for Bob Saget (played by Garrett Brawith). They first give the role of Danny Tanner to an actor named John Posey. There are many moments where Bob acts chill or makes a dirty joke, then when the other person leaves the room, the camera closes up on his Very Concerned Face. Candace Cameron (Shelby Armstrong) sucks at first and bummed, but somehow barges in the audition room and forces them to give her a do-over. Jeff Franklin, the creator of the series, has dinner with John. John suggests changing the name of his character, from Uncle Adam to Uncle Jesse, inspired by Elvis’s twin brother who died at childbirth.
During their depiction of the shooting of the pilot, I was happy to see Uncle Jesse wearing one of his signature outfits: a tight red shirt with a black vest over it. JUST LIKE HIS DOLL! The show gets picked up, but Jeff is just not into the guy playing Danny Tanner. He’s been thinking about Bob. And just like that, they get rid of the original actor and hire him.
Saget and Stamos meet for the first time on set. Little do they know, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Saget and Dave Coulier try to trick Stamos by saying that their characters are gay. “If I swung that way, I would peel you like a soft shell crab,” Saget tells Stamos. That line is so weird, I wish one of the actors would verify its authenticity on Twitter.
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