The breakout stars of the two Despicable Me films have finally received their own movie. Minions, in theaters next month, tells the story of their history—from working with dinosaurs in the Jurassic period to assisting the evil Scarlet Overkill, voiced by Sandra Bullock. Earlier this week we sat down with Stuart, burgeoning superstar and “it” minion, to talk about the new film, working with Sandra Bullock, and his favorite food.

*A translator was present at the interview, as Stuart does not speak English.

**Additionally, this is an invented interview that did not actually occur.


Jezebel: Hi Stuart, thanks for chatting with me today.

Stuart: I’m happy to be here.

First of all, congratulations for getting a spin-off of your own after two very successful movies where you had to share the spotlight with bigger stars.

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(laughs) You’re kind, but I’m still sharing the spotlight. Don’t get me wrong—I’m happy to share it! We Minions don’t work on our own. We need each other to stay strong. If you were to put just one of us in a movie, the movie would not be a success. No one would see it. No one would care.

How long have you and the other Minions been working together?

Forever.

Forever?

Forever.

As in, since the beginning of time? Or, since each of you were born? Or created? Appeared. I’m sorry, I’m just not fully aware of your history on this planet and don’t want to use the wrong terminology.

I believe “forever” answers your question.

OK! So you’ve been friends forever. What’s this newfound success like?

Thrilling and magical. Unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before, and I was here when there were actual dinosaurs, and not the ones you see Chris Pratt chase on his motorcycle.

Oh, right! You used to work for the dinosaurs. What can you tell me about them?

I don’t wish to speak about the dinosaurs. Don’t ask me about the dinosaurs again.

Gotcha. Let’s move to the opposite of a dinosaur. Tell me about Sandra Bullock.

Sandy! Sandy is the loveliest person I’ve ever met. She was so kind to us during filming. I remember on the day we met, she shook the hands of every single one of us. Every single one! She spent hours getting to know us all, and never once forgot our names. She’s a pro, that one. We still talk to this day. Sometimes we even FaceTime.

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How did that work - filming a movie with an actual human for an animated feature?

Well, we filmed all our parts on a green screen and the studio added everything else in in post. A fascinating process, really.

Was there any chemistry between you and Ms. Bullock?

Pardon?

Chemistry?

Did we do science experiments? Yes. Dozens. Sandy loves science.

No, I mean. Did you two—never mind. Are you seeing anyone special?

Kevin and Bob are two of the most special people I know.

Ah, I see, so the three of you are in a relationship?

Our relationship has existed since long before the great asteroid.

Is it, how should I put this, romantic?

Since you can’t seem to take a hint, let me give it to you straight: if you’re asking me to discuss my sexuality or identity, you’d better move on. The point of this is to promote Minions, not whatever simple, faux-progressive thoughts you have about gender norms or sexual preference. We have been on this earth longer than any of you. We have done and seen more than any of you. And we do not, despite our infinite nature, have the time to participate in a conversation with some know-it-all human that will almost certainly oversimplify our experience or exclude the experiences of others. We Minions have spent millennia living our lives without hurting each other, so please do not think you are capable of making us start by turning us into gossip.

At this point, Stuart’s agent asked me to join her in another room and we had an off the record conversation before returning to the interview.

OK, so what’s your favorite food.

Bananas! Bananas are wonderful. I eat several every day.

Do you consider yourself a feminist?

Of course I do.

Do you miss working with Steve Carell?

Steve Carell was a good man, but we were never friends. Do I respect him? Sure. But no, I can’t say I miss his company.

Will there be a Minions 2?

Is every Minion yellow?

(Laughs) Well I think that’s about all I have for you today, Stuart. Thanks for taking the time to chat.

Thank you.


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.