Gwyneth Paltrow’s inaugural Health Summit—an event centered around the sellable idea of “wellness”—took place on Saturday at a warehouse in Culver City, California. It appears to have been an affair to remember. Personally, I would never spend $500 or $1,000 or $1,500 on a Goop Health Summit. But after reading about this lifestyle event, I feel I’ve absorbed enough knowledge and spiritual understanding to speak about the topic at great length and with absolute authority, and to pass that knowledge onto you. As someone who wasn’t there, here I am to answer all your questions.

What is the GOOP Health Summit?

A life event centered around health, hosted by Gwyneth Paltrow and her lifestyle group GOOP.

Who went?

Mostly middle-aged white women.

Were the peasants who attended forced to wear bracelets broadcasting their lower class status?

Yes, they were. The Lapis package went for $500, the Amethyst package was $1,000 and the Clear Quartz, $1,500. People’s Gabrielle Olya says she “received a worry bracelet with a lapis-colored tassel, symbolizing that I was part of the lowest-cost ticket bracket.”

Did Blythe Danner attend?

In spirit. A voice recording from Blythe Danner greeted everyone on the loudspeaker, like God welcoming them to Heaven.

Were there crystal readings?

You guessed it. A shaman named Colleen McCann did the readings.

Were they good?

I believe so. I could be wrong.

Was there an aura photo dome?

Yes.

Was there liquor?

No, it’s a health summit so there was no liquor bar. But there were “bars.” An IV drip bar, an oxygen bar and a Moon Juice bar. [UPDATE: There was some liquor. Attendees capped the day with a cocktail reception.]

What was the atmosphere like?

Pretty chill. The Zen Zone had digital meditation, which “entailed listening to a pre-recorded guided medication on an iPad” and, also, dream analysis. The lines for everything were crazy though.

How was the food?

The Goop Hall was sort of like a college cafeteria, complete with crippling paranoia, but with healthy food options like Botanica, Lifehouse Tonics and sweetgreen. Also, organic bone broth.

Weird question, but I’m specifically wondering if a “kyerito” was served?

Not a weird question. Yep. People ate one and so did Refinery 29's Kaitlin Reilly. I would have as well.

Was plastic surgery performed?

Yes. A 10-minute facelift performed by surgeon Dr. Julius Few on stage. W’s Ryma Chikhoune wrote: “Those who stayed gasped as they watched the doctor insert a needle with a clear, biodegradable thread through a volunteer’s cheekbone to her jaw and back.”

Would Tory Burch ever do that?

“No, I’m not going to do that. But I’ll check it out,” said Burch.

What was Tory Burch doing there?

A Tory Sport pop-up.

Teach me new words.

Integrative photosynthesis:

Dr. Habib Sadeghi, the man responsible for the infamous “conscious uncoupling” phrase, kicked it off with a presentation on “cosmic flow,” using terms foreign to most (i.e. “integrative photosynthesis”), as he shared for the crowd various stories, some involving Paltrow (including a breakdown of one of her blood tests) and at one point referred to himself as “one of the most authentic beings you will ever meet.”

What things were there to buy?

The Clean Beauty Apothecary was stocked with Paltrow recommendations. There was also a Workout Shop featuring the aforementioned Tory Sport.

What about the panels?

  • The Mother Load - About mothering
  • The Three Way - About sex
  • The Tools - About psychotherapy
  • Balls in the Air - About multi-tasking
  • Gut Check - About your stomach

Should I skip breakfast?

I can’t advise you on that but GOOP has suggestions, via Washington Post:

There were also recommendations to skip meals, especially breakfast. That would have been helpful information before attendees had already sampled the morning’s smorgasbord of doughnuts, sushi breakfast burritos, juices and smoothies.

What did the attendees walk away with?

Wellness. Nail polish. Protein bars. Beauty products.

When’s the next Goop Health Summit?

January in New York.