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Today’s Grubstreet Diet isn’t just one of the best things on the internet this week, it’s one of my favorite Grubstreet Diets ever. Written by Alissa Nutting, author of 2013's uncomfortable page-turner Tampa and this summer’s instantly iconic techno-romcom Made For Love, it is a delightful, deeply funny read filled with all the grotesque imagery and dry wit readers have come to expect from her. Here are some highlights.

On her love of food from vending machines:

I will eat almost anything coated in orange dust. I feel bad for my internal organs, but also really curious about what they must look like.

On McDonald’s breakfast:

I’m a fan of violent symmetry, and few things are more satisfying to me than the fluffy discus shape of the McMuffin egg. The eggs in the McGriddles look like tiny folded blankets, which should horrify me, but comforts me instead.

On Diet Coke:

I accidentally work through lunch. Although, because I have unfettered access to a self-serve cola fountain, I probably drink about a dozen Diet Cokes. In high school, the restaurant I worked at let us drink free fountain refills during our shift, and I referred to this as my “second paycheck.”

On beds:

I love hotel rooms with two beds: one for me and one for my delivered pizzas.

On tourism:

Cheap beer and potato chips are my favorite ways to be a tourist.

And my favorite moment, which is right at the beginning:

I’m a nightmare to share a drink with. One past boyfriend took it as a metaphor for my selfishness. Near the end, I think he would’ve preferred me to go cheat on him in the restaurant’s bathroom than to drink more than 50 percent of a shared soda. “You’re thoughtless,” he’d say, staring at the empty glass.

I’d really like to copy and paste the entire thing in here, but that would be rude to both Nutting and Grubstreet, so go finish it here.