Last week, Page Six published a story that grabbed my attention in all the wrong ways. They reported that Kate Hudson’s ex-fiancé, Matt Bellamy, was seen “flaunting” his new girlfriend around town. Wait just a second, I thought. You can’t flaunt someone else! You can only flaunt yourself!

Their mistake convinced me I needed to create an entry-level handbook to the art of flaunting. A “Beginner’s Guide,” if you will. Though the rules are simple and fairly easy to follow, that doesn’t mean they’re unimportant.

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So don’t just take a look at this guide...take it to heart. Then go out there and start flaunting what you’ve got. You’ve earned it, queens!


1. If You’ve Got It, Flaunt It!

This is the golden rule of flaunting, and something you should remember until the day you flaunt your expiring curves to everyone at the hospice center. What good is life if you don’t use every waking moment as an opportunity to flaunt what you’ve got? Feeling particularly good about your sexy curves today? Step out and flaunt them! Have your assets never looked better than they do in that sultry top? Ummmm, I think they need to be flaunted! Have you worked all spring to get your figure back after months flaunting your baby bump? Flaunt that bikini body, baby!

Your body is a temple, and temples were made to be flaunted!

2. Don’t Flaunt What Ain’t Yours!

Flaunting, like traditional masturbation, is something you do to yourself. The flaunter and flauntee are always one and the same—so don’t think you can go out on the town and flaunt your sexy date’s rock hard abs or killer thighs, because it’s not your place! Encourage the flaunting all you’d like—there’s nothing wrong with increasing your favorite person’s confidence level by suggesting things to flaunt—but never step in and flaunt on their behalf. It doesn’t just make you look bad, it makes it harder for your date to flaunt on their own. And you never want to ruin someone else’s flauntportunities, do you?

3. There’s No Wrong Place to Flaunt!

Below is a list of places where flaunting is inappropriate:

  • ____________
  • ____________
  • ____________
  • ____________

Get it? There’s no such thing as a bad place to flaunt! Flaunt at work! Flaunt at the club! Flaunt at school! Flaunt in court! You can even flaunt at a funeral, because nothing cleanses the palate of a griever after an open casket like staring at the sexy figure of someone flaunting their assets! Flaunting is a celebration of life, so feel free to celebrate wherever you find yourself living it!

4. Flaunting Leads to Photographing!

If you flaunt it, they will come. And by “they” I don’t mean the ghosts of dead baseball players from the early 20th century, I mean the paparazzi! There’s nothing photographers love more than someone who’s flaunting, so don’t be surprised when some pop out of the bushes as soon as you step out wearing a sleeveless number that helps you flaunt those toned arms!

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And another thing: if you plan on flaunting your more ~private~ assets, be prepared for that telephoto lens. If you thought the paparazzi loved photographing your curves with clothes on, wait ‘til you see how they react when it’s all come off!

5. Flaunting is More Fun Alone!

It takes two to tango, but it only takes one to flaunt! Why risk sharing the flauntlight with someone whose assets may potentially overpower yours? By flaunting alone, you tell the world, “World, I’m confident enough to go out and flaunt my goods without the need for anyone else’s approval!” When it’s just you, you’re in control of the flaunting narrative—and the only story being told is the one about whatever it is you’re currently flaunting. Go out in public while wearing a flirty, low-cut top that bares your assets? All eyes will be on your assets. Go out in public with a friend while wearing a flirty, low-cut top that bares your assets? Half of those eyes are gonna be one someone else’s flauntworthy ones.

Sharing may be caring, but flaunting is daunting when it’s done in a group!

6. Flaunting is Fun at Any Age!

The flauntworthiness of your body has nothing to do with age. As long as you’re an adult, feel free to flaunt whatever you got at any stage of your life. Sure, you may start flaunting earlier in the evening, but a flaunt is still a flaunt—even at 5:00 p.m.! Gone gray? Flaunt that trendy new color! Getting shorter? Flaunt that bone loss! Checking in to a hotel for retirees in India? Flaunt your curves in front of all those other expats! By flaunting in old age, you’ll not only make yourself feel better, but will instill confidence into the hearts and minds of millions of flaunters, young and old, by reminding them that while our looks may evolve, our ability to flaunt—much like our ability to dream—remains constant.

7. If You’ve Got It, Flaunt It!

The golden rule bears repeating. A body unflaunted leads to a life unlived. So go out there and flaunt like you mean it!


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

Image via Getty.