Welcome back to Midweek Madness! The tabloids hit the stands early this week, thanks to the holiday weekend, so if you're not sure which shitty magazine to take with you as you celebrate this great nation's independence, allow Kristine Gutierrez and myself to assist: We'll tell you which mags have warm and fuzzy gossip perfect for a summer day — and which you should drop like a hot potato.
This week, Sandra Bullock is making like Whitney Houston and falling for her bodyguard; Kimye is turning down truckloads of cash for pix of baby North; and Taye Diggs cheating rumors are breaking our hearts.
"Wedding & A Baby!"
Brangelina are having a wedding and a baby. It’s official because there’s an “IT’S OFFICIAL” gold badge on the cover. According to a “family insider,” once the Supreme Court delivered their decision on the unconstitutionality of DOMA, Brad smiled at Angie and said: “we’d better get going on with those wedding plans, eh?” It is well known that Brad and Angelina have proclaimed that they won’t marry until everyone in the US can legally marry. But the Supreme Court’s decision does not mean that all same-sex couples can get married AND that Brangelina will, too. That’s a dumb assumption. However, if Brangelina do get married, they should totally hire Ok! as their wedding planner. The magazine has it all laid out: they’ll probably get married at their Chateau Miraval because it’s French and private, their kids can determine the wedding theme (Maddox wants a zombie-themed wedding), oh and Angie should get pregnant NOW because it’s the perfect time. Thanks, Ok!. In other fake news, Kanye West straight up proposed to Kim Kardashian the day after she gave birth. A “family insider” says Kim just started to cry and mouthed “yes.” They might have an Egyptian-themed New Year’s Eve wedding in Egypt since Kanye is obsessed with ancient Egypt and Kim thinks she looks like the Egyptian goddess Isis. El oh el.
Grade: F (120° and no shade and no water)
Life & Style
“Now It’s My Turn!”
In the moments after Kim Kardashian gave birth, Khloé was, of course, happy. But it’s the Kardashian clan: They can’t be truly happy with the omnipresent desire to out-shine one another. So yes, Khloé’s pregnancy desire is stronger than ever (she has been trying to get knocked up for a while). She made an “emotional announcement” to her stunned family regarding getting off the fertility meds and getting into a natural zen-like state of baby production. She’s eating healthier, working out, and uh, that is breaking news. Boring. Miley Cyrus is getting "scary skinny" because she’s stressed about her parents' divorce, her relationship with hunky Liam Hemsworth, and probably because magazines aways harp on celebs' weight. Channing Tatum is ready for baby #2; he wants some “Irish twins.” Katy Perry has some intense love rules as she and John Mayer embark on a third (fourth? We lost count) try on their relationship. She demands things like nice dinners, no texting ex-girlfriends, you know, insane stuff. Yawn.
Grade: D- (30° and naked)
"Inside Her Dramatic Delivery"
Everyone has heard the baby bells ring in the arrival of Jessica Simpson's baby boy, Ace. If Ace had not been born last Sunday, the 30th of June, this cover would have been SO misleading. This issue seems to have been printed before Jessica gave birth. Lucky for In Touch, Ace came in time to make the magazine appear as if it was on top of the story, because the cover gushes with the claim that the issue has every detail of Jessica's "dramatic delivery." It doesn't. The info here — that Jessica was scheduled for a C-section and that the baby's name is Ace — might be true, but it's not written after-the-fact. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston and her fiancé Justin Theroux are living separate lives, with the former preferring the west coast and the latter preferring the east. It's an all-out battle of the coasts, and it will not end well: Just ask Tupac and Biggie. Next: Kim Kardashian's baby bliss might evaporate soon, as Kanye is set to leave the US for Milan to work on some fashion thing. BFF alert: Britney Spears and Pauly D text all the time. What could they possibly be saying to each other? Betty White is 91 years old and confesses in an interview that she cannot even face her golden retriever without a little make-up. Oh, and she is totally into younger male actors worshipping her. Finally: Miley Cyrus is not actually Miley Cyrus because she is too obsessed with copying Rihanna. (Fig. 1)
Grade: D (50° and rainy with no shelter)
"Bachelors From Hell"
Friends, unfortunately this cover story is not about hot, sexy single demons straight out of Hades. How fun would it be if Desiree had to go on dates with horned beasts who look like Tim Curry in Legend? Alas, this is about how there were several points during the filming of the show that Desiree wanted to go home. James is a liar, Mikey is a player, Ben is a fame whore, Bryden is a tease and Brian is a pig. So says the mag, so shall it be. Also inside: Kim and Kanye have been offered as much as $3 million for first-look photos of little baby North, but have turned down all deals. Kanye might drop a song about the baby at some point, but he's very busy now, although the mag notes he has not changed a diaper yet. In Kate Middleton news, she's preparing for giving birth by shopping for fabric for her newly renovated 20-room four-story apartment, and she also got her hair done at a place that charges $1500 for a cut and color. Yes. Fifteen hundred. Quite. Johnny Depp has been sober for 18 months and has cut down on his smoking — for the kids — and also, he's basically blind in his left eye. The good news is, he is not aging at all… (Fig. 2) Although Cry-Baby Johnny holds a special place in our hearts. Finally, celebrity manicures are intense! (Fig. 3)
Grade: C (70° and mostly cloudy)
"Stars Without Makeup!"
Shocking news, people: Women look different without the slut paint they slap on to harlot-ize themselves and trick unsuspecting menfolk! The language in this six-page feature is fairly rude and misogynistic; Pippa Middleton looks like "a Sith lord"; LeAnn Rimes looks "worn-down"; and Janice Dickinson "looks like a man." (Fig. 4) As a faux-equality gesture, the mag also prints images of three dudes without makeup: Paul Stanley, Marilyn Manson and Boy George. Fair is fair, right? Moving on: Kris Jenner's talk show starts July 15 but is "already a complete failure," since she is rude on the set and can't get Kanye West to agree to be the first guest. Apparently he turned her down, annoyed that she wanted baby North to also appear. Ryan Gosling is obsessed with skeletons, and it's creeping out Eva Mendes. Hey girl, when it comes to Baby Goose, the more boning the better. Leonardo DiCaprio trashed a hotel room in Cannes — there were cigarette burns on the carpet, bed and couch; the tub and the toilet were clogged; and "women's underwear was everywhere" — but he "gladly" paid the $50,000 bill for the damage. So gracious. The next item is almost too sad to think about: Taye Diggs is being accused of cheating on Idina Menzel. A Hollywood "clubgoer" who "passed a polygraph test at Star's request" says she saw Diggs making out with some brunette and then "basically dry humping" that person behind a pillar. SOB. What else? Courteney Cox and Brian Van Holt broke up. Mary-Kate Olsen's 44-year-old boyfriend is a bad influence who encourages her to stay out late, drink and party, although she went to rehab for an eating disorder and substance abuse. And lastly, Sandra Bullock is getting close to her bodyguard, former LAPD SWAT office Peter Weireter, who is married. But he spends more time with Sandy than he does with his own wife and apparently little Louis Bullock called Peter "daddy" this one time, so cue the airplane and the music: And eye-eee-eye will always love you…
Grade: C+ (75° and partly sunny)
Fig. 1, from In Touch
Fig. 2, from Us
Fig. 3, from Us
Fig. 4, from Star