I'm not sure I'll ever regret anything as intensely as I regret not going to a screening of Temptation (full title: Tyler Perry Presents Tyler Perry's Temptation: True Confessions of Tyler Perry's Golden Money Clip, or, "Feed Me Your Money, Mommy, I'm Hungry!": The Movie) so that I could write a review of it. How did I screw that up? I mean, it's our Kim-K! Pretending to be a normal! And, from the sound of it, doing a fucking terrible job! It's like a beautiful dream.
Luckily, plenty of other people were on the case, and most of them were not pleased. Here's a round-up of critics' thoughts on Kim's performance, organized from meanest to least-meanest. (Also, Vulture has a complete list of Kardashian's lines in the film, which is WORTH READING. Blue ribbon: "Are you kidding. Oh my … thank you. I have been dying to get my hands on this hair. C'mon, c'mon.")
According to TheWrap, Kim is:
as nasal and awful an actress as you might imagine
I mean, TBH, I don't have to "imagine" how awful an actress Kim Kardashian is, because I have witnessed many of her acting tours de force upon the E! channel, such as "act like you have a stomach ache near some sunglasses" and "act like you want to marry that dude over there." She's amazing. Shut up.
The AV Club describes Kim as:
the film's inexplicable comic relief, a bitchy, backstabbing co-worker of Smollett-Jones who utters bons mots like, "That's not make-up, that's make-down" as if she were a sex robot attempting human speech for the first time.
Okay, but sometimes robots do have real a hard time mastering human speech, man! Robot shaming! Check your biological organism privilege!
Kim Kardashian better stick to her day job
Getting bunches of attention for doing very little literally is her day job. She's the best at her day job ever! Come on. All anyone ever talks about is how useless and terrible she is, and yet she probably poops in a toilet made of diamonds (and then throws her entire bathroom away!). Admit she's a genius. Admit it.
The characters tend to be either saintly, like Brice's employee (Brandy Norwood) who lives in fear of an abusive ex, or thoroughly repugnant, like Judith's shallow, clothes-obsessed co-worker (Kim Kardashian, whose monotonous line readings demonstrate that she saved her real acting talents for her sex tape).
Ooooooooooooooo!!! (Wait, that's really more of a burn on Ray-J, right?)
Judith lands a gig at a high-end millionaire matchmaker service as a relationship counselor, where she locks horns with a bitchy, materialistic co-worker (Kim Kardashian essentially playing Kim Kardashian)
See? She's not really materialistic—she's just Method. Her entire life was one long acting exercise leading up to the greatest Tyler Perry movie about an evil billionaire who gives people HIV on purpose to teach them a lesson about casual sex ever.
a vapid Kim Kardashian as a shallow, judgmental colleague in the dating service
Again. Method. Kris Jenner should start a vapid-supporting-character-in-a-Tyler-Perry-movie farm.
Then there is Kim Kardashian, who turns up in a supporting role as one of Judith's co-workers. She is hardly the worst thing in the film but it is perhaps ironic that someone so famous for her curves could deliver her lines so flatly.
Kim Kardashian: not the worst thing in a thing! Put it on a poster!
The New York Times says:
Janice also employs the gold digger Ava (a grating, tone-deaf Kim Kardashian, entertaining for all the wrong reasons).
Aw yeah. They called you entertaining.
The LA Times:
For the record, Kardashian appears briefly in a handful of scenes as an office assistant without making much impression one way or another. Her character exists mostly to criticize the wardrobe of Judith, a bit of business that is, in typical Perry fashion, overplayed.
Complete neutrality. Nice.
NYDN kind of...likes her?
Kim Kardashian, who, underneath a Kabuki mask of thick make-up, successfully plays up a Marilyn Monroe wiggle and breathy squeak.
OMG, success!!! At making senseless noises and aspirating on camera! Kim Kardashian is literally the Orson Welles of breathing.
Michael Musto hasn't seen the film, but he heard a rumor:
"She looks great," said the source, "and at least she has a pulse! She's alive!"
To her credit, Kim did get some unequivocally positive reviews! Mainly from people who were in the film or are literally Tyler Perry, but still.
Lance Gross, who plays "Brice" in Temptation, told HuffPo:
To Kim's defense, she did a great job. The role that he gave her was well thought out. It was something that he believed she could execute. And I think she brought her "A-game."
And here's Tyler Perry superfan Tyler Perry:
The massively successful writer-director-actor spoke of what he hopes is his "most thought-provoking" movie yet, and gave high marks to Kim Kardashian for her costaring role.
"Kim was very, very professional from Day 1," said Perry.
She was a professional. She stayed awake and upright the entire time she was on camera and she almost never parked her palanquin in a handicapped spot. High praise.
In with the last word, it's this guy on Twitter:
Kim Kardashian looked delicious in Temptation— Fredo Krueger (@iSeeUThreeSeven) April 1, 2013