Welcome to Game of Boners, your weekly tally of all the nudity that appears on everyone's favorite fantasy fuck fest, Game of Thrones. Every Monday, we will recap each boob, buttock and sex act that appears on camera, along with some other fun facts from the episode that may or may not have anything to do with sex whatsoever. Keep a box of tissues on hand because Winter is definitely coming.
Finally. FINALLY. Game of Thrones is back. Did you realize that we've been waiting a full 10 months for this? That's 10 whole months of wasting our time watching shows that aren't Game of Thrones. Look, I like Downton Abbey just as much as the next person with a taste for melodramatic period dramas, but wouldn't it have been much cooler if the Granthams were worried about losing Downton because it was about to be attacked by an army of ice zombies? You could even make it era-appropriate by making the White Walkers super into jazz!
Anyway, the wait is over. Spring has sprung, the feral cats in my backyard are mating like crazy and GoT is back in its Sunday night time slot. Doesn't all suddenly feel right with the world?
Last night's season three premiere was a bit of a slow start actually, especially by GoT standards. Did you notice that only one man got horrifically and publicly mutilated? That's not to say that it was a bad episode, just that rather than dizzying us with action action action like it has in the past, this one instead took its time to set the stage for what's to come.
The episode opens North of the Wall where shit is going down. The White Walkers are tearing the Night's Watch apart and Sam is being as useless and terrified as always. (Unpopular opinion alert: I hate Sam.) Right when you think that he's about to meet his end, Ghost the direwolf appears to save him and Young Neckbeard will live to see another day. Elsewhere in the far north, Jon Snow is being led into the Wildling's encampment where — holy shit — giants walk among men and little boys throw rocks at pretty bastards with Latisse thick eyelashes. Ygritte brings him to Camp Director Mance Rayder (Ciaran Hinds of Rome) who asks Jon why he thinks he should be cast in this season's Wildling production of Hair. "Because I want to be free," he responds. Not good enough, Jon Snow. You don't get cast as the role of Berger with that kind of canned answer. "I want to fight for the side that fights for the living." You got the part! Now how do you feel about showing your penis?
Over in Kingslanding, Tyrion, newly stripped of his title as Hand of the King, sits in a small dark bedroom nursing wounds both physical and emotional. At the end of last season during the Battle of Blackwater, everyone's favorite imp took a sword to the face and how has he been rewarded? With a delicate scar (which actually makes Peter Dinklage more handsome) and zero thanks from his family for his bravery and cunning in battle. His father Tywin has yet to visit once, though, after a visit from his sister Cersei and a couple armed guards, you have to wonder if it's for the best. Cersei — who I know is bad, but is also so so awesome — is worried that Tyrion will tell their father that her children are actually the product of incest. No, Tyrion has no plans to tell her secrets. He just wants to ask his father for a little bit of gratitude and Casterly Rock, the land that is his by right. Tywin responds that he will give him neither. Great conversation, Dad.
Speaking of the Battle of Blackwater and feeling sorry for yourself, Stannis Baratheon is not handling his defeat all that well. Really, nothing says bad sportsmanship like burning your detractors alive on giant pyres and throwing your most loyal servants into jail for suggesting that your crazy fire-priestess girlfriend probably needs to chill the fuck out. Speaking of Melisandre — girl, are you sure you only had that smoke baby a few months ago? Get yourself that "How I Lost My Baby Weight " US Weekly cover and weeeeeerk.
While fire lady got her old body back, Daenerys got herself a boat and her dragons. Still, if she really wants to take back the Iron Throne, she'll need an army, which is what brings her to Astapor, home of the Unsullied, an army of eunuch slaves who have been conditioned to feel neither for themselves nor for others and to only heed he or she who commands them. Dany, after hearing stories of the slaves' initiation (they have to kill a baby) and seeing a brutal display of their resilience, questions the morality of this, but Ser Jorah Mormont, with a soothing khaaaaaleeeeeeeesssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, convinces her that it's all fine. Wrong. All is not fine as minutes later, Dany meets a creepy baby witch (one of the warlocks from last season) who tries to kill her with a bug. Luckily, Ser Barristan Selmy (the head of the Kingsguard to both Dany's father and Robert Baratheon) appears out of nowhere to save the day and pledge his loyalty to the Mother of Dragons. Meanwhile, the baby witch appears on a nearby roof as a reminder that this is a problem that will not go away. Careful up there, kid. Didn't you learn anything from Bran?
And now onto the stats!
Individual Female Breasts: Only two! They belong to an unnamed prostitute who is straddling Bronn and you almost see more of her when he starts to untie her underwear with his teeth (woof), but the fates intervene, leaving the audience without a merkin shot. Better luck next time.
Individual Male Breasts: One. To demonstrate the unflinching strength of the Unsullied, the slave master (who, like all slave masters, is a MEGA dick) cuts off one of the soldier's nipples and now I can never eat pepperoni pizza again.
Butts (Male or Female): None. You're slipping, Game of Thrones.
Does Tyrion say anything awesome? Yes, everything Tyrion says is awesome.
Does anyone slap Joffrey? No :(
Does Sam manage to do his fucking job for once? Watching the show with my friend Molly last night, I asked her a question that's been nagging at me for a long time. What is the point of Sam? "He's there because he's good with the ravens," she replied. On screen, less than 30 seconds later, Jeor Mormont asks Sam if he sent the ravens. You know the ravens, right? Sam's entire purpose for being? The ravens that could possibly save the entire Seven Kingdoms? "No," he replies. No! He couldn't even do that! Honestly, I don't care how nice he is or how much he loves that girl who also played Cassie in Skins— he does not belong in the Night's Watch and should try to find a pointless job that he's actually good at like running a tchotchke shop or breeding ragdoll kittens.
Do Jon Snow and Ygritte finally do it? No, but on a scale of 1-10, ten being the most sexual tension two people could possibly have, they're sitting at about a 7.9.
That's it until next week! Yell at me for hating Sam in the comments below, but please, for the sake of those of us who don't really do "reading," hide book spoilers in the replies.