Confession: I never think about Jon Hamm's penis. Sure, when I read another story about how it's probably a big penis, I think about it then, because that's how thoughts work. But even then, it's not as if I picture Jon Hamm walking up behind me and casually laying his penis on my shoulder as some kind of funny joke between us, the sort of thing he'd do on a Saturday afternoon after getting out of the shower when we're just lounging around the apartment and I'm trying to read the paper on my imaginary iPad (Do I see it approaching in the reflection?). I just think, sure, a guy the universe says has disruptively good looks probably must also manage a disruptively large penis. But now that I know that Jon Hamm isn't all that crazy about the way people talk about his penis — that, more to the point, he finds it rude and has said as much — I actually have more thoughts about his penis than ever before, which is to say, I now actually have questions for Jon Hamm's penis.
Dear Jon Hamm's penis:
Who's your favorite Mad Men character?
I mean, you're a penis, so it's probably yourself attached to Don Draper, but you know, if it isn't you, who is it? My money is on Roger Sterling. Amirite? He's all id.
OK, fine, I was stalling. Look, honestly, is it really so hard to understand why we need to talk about you?
A friend said rather succinctly that you are the Tom Hanks of penises. "Super-likable, can do no wrong." What that means is that you've managed to achieve a kind of Holy Grail of penises here: A penis that is huge, but also nonthreatening and friendly. I don't know if you know this, but that's not traditionally how huge penises work, you know? A huge penis can be a frightful thing, a brooding thing, an imposing thing. But when a huge but friendly penis comes along like some Clifford the Big Red Dog of penises, that's a game changer. It really raises the penis bar to a respectable, exciting, but nonetheless reassuring level. So please, forgive us our penis sinning, but this is revolutionary stuff for us.
Is there something else you'd rather we talk about instead?
It's not like you're only getting love for being a huge, friendly, ever-present penis. You're also getting love for being attached to a talented actor, an actor who plays a beloved, provocatively dickish character on popular television. I'm not even sure what else we could say about you and your owner that hasn't already been said, what awards you both could get that you haven't gotten. I say this certainly not to suggest that you are somehow obligated to put up with all this peen scrutiny, but rather, that I'm sorry to say we've just run out of other stuff to marvel at. We're basically down to admiring the penis at this point. Can I add here that we didn't start with the penis? It wasn't our go-to. That came later, after we got to know you, and it was awesome, like finding out that your boyfriend loves the Pixies as much as you do. I mean, sure, I'll concede, we could start Tumblrs about more important stuff, like the failure of string theory, but we both know it wouldn't have the same pick-me-up. Take comfort in the knowledge that it'll probably let up when Mad Men comes back on. Definitely that, or the opposite.
Could a vagina lodge your same complaint?
You're well within your rights to hate Penisgate, but I have to point out, it's hard to imagine a female celebrity of your owner's caliber lauded for having great boobs saying, "Cut out the tit talk - pronto!" without some serious backlash.
Do you realize you're actually leveling the playing field for women everywhere?
For ages, women have had to sit idly by watching their menfolk receive a steady dose of celebrity lady cleavage, side boob, outrageous silhouettes, impossible proportions, only to be told how insecure and threatened we are if we object to it in the slightest. Then you showed up with an unsuspecting bulge of a (penis) mic drop that threw down the gauntlet for penises everywhere. Speaking of awards you've yet to garner, you're doing some pretty humanitarian work here. Your penis is a torch of freedom.
Do you know what we have to endure with men and how they talk about their penises?
Men with penises you can't see aren't so open about them, or they're unreliably boastful about them. But you've changed all that. Yours is not the kind of penis that says "Hey, LOOK AT ME" all calculatingly. You're the kind of penis that says, "Yeah. I'm here. Because this is exactly where I go." It's a respect-commanding penis. Other men's discussions of their regular sized penises are often hilarious exercises in defensive posturing, as evidenced by this Wikipedia entry on human penis size:
The most accurate measurement of the human penis comes from several measurements at different times since there is natural minor variability in size due to arousal level, time of day, room temperature, frequency of sexual activity, and reliability of measurement. When compared to other primates, including large primates such as the gorilla, the human penis is largest, both in absolute terms and in relative size to the rest of the body.
Do you think we could ever just be friends?
If, and I can't speak for everyone, we were to just agree to be friends, friends who thought you were pretty hot in a respectable way, would that be OK?
So is it really THAT big?
OK, rude, I know. But I ask only as a point of biography. Once, I was with a guy who had an exceptionally large penis — he had even photographed it and hung the polaroid of the thing on the fridge for all his co-ed roommates to admire/mock, but in reality, it wasn't that exciting. For one thing, he was self-conscious about it. For another thing — how can I put this? — it was really malleable. I felt like I could mold it into a variety of fun shapes. Big penis should be hard penis, as I understand it. But if that's just urban legend, maybe you could use your penis for good and help unpack that.
Are you about to pull a Gosling?
Is it all too much? Have you hit your penis saturation point? Do you HAVE to take it away? It was really pretty comforting, now that I think back on it, the way it was always there. Is this really about how rude it is to be Tumblr'd relentlessly, or is this about something deeper? Is this about Gosling? Since he pulled out as celebrity boyfriend of America, has all the pressure to appease the subsequent void of hungry female masses fallen to you? And is that exhausting, or what? And are you now actually ditching on us, too?
Got any friends?
If there's no Gosling-Hamm Sandwich either, that can only mean one thing: We're stuck holding an empty penis bag. Can you at least recommend a penis substitute? Is it time to go Tatum or what? Fine. Leave if you must, just don't leave a penis power vacuum in your wake — I shudder to think who or what could fill it.