Oh god, oh god, it's finally here. Footage from the upcoming Ryan Lochte reality show, What Would Ryan Lochte Do? (premiering April 21), has arrived and I don't know why I ever thought this shit would be boring. Some of the things Ryan Lochte would do apparently include:
- Not remember how many medals he won at the Olympics
- Yell "JEAH" while holding a comically oversized watch
- Yell "JEAH" while crouching next to a license plate that says "JEAH"
- Demonstrate the "boring" way to say "JEAH," which is just "jeah"
- Demonstrate the cool way to say "JEAH," which is achieved by putting the "emphatence" on the "JEE"
- Wear the worst ribbed knit '90s hoodie-sweater
- Remind me of my ex-boyfriend to the point where I can smell his cologne
- Explain how shoes work
- Fumble this hardball question: "What is the Lochte edge?"
- Say "Lochte" over and over like it powers his iPhone or something
- Swim fast
- Have a super-genuine-and-totally-not-staged conversation with his coach about how he's planning to go out drinking the night before the "big meet"
- Have a bunch of super-genuine-and-totally-not-staged encounters with hot ladies at the clurb the night before the "big meet"
- Do bad at the "big meet"
- Slur all the words
- Engage in bromance with his assistant
- Live every day to the fullest
- Hold a baby like it's a rotten burrito
- Spit gobs of mucus into his mom's hair
- Cry about swimming
- Have amazing hair
- Refuse to give up on love
- Remind me of my friend's five-year-old to the point where I can smell the pizza-farts
- Invent new catchphrases such as, "Don't dooplecate, just recipitate."
- One more "JEAH"
- One more tinier "JEAH" at the end
AND THAT'S JUST IN 4 MINUTES AND 30 SECONDS, YOU GUYS. [Dies of anticipation.]