I'm so excited for your bachelorette party! It's going to be awesome! I can't wait to go shopping for lingerie to give you as a gift, since sexy-themed presents seem to have become obligatory at these events, whether you've been friends with the bride for years or only just kind of know her from work!
It's not dispiriting at all to realize that the only time I ever set foot in a Victoria's Secret these days is to purchase lacy under-things which will be squealed over by half a dozen near-strangers in the back room of a local T.G.I. Friday's. I also appreciate the necessity of awkwardly pondering which style of lingerie will be most likely to appeal to your husband-to-be, which it is not weird or inappropriate for me to be expected to do.
Please enjoy my gift! I hope it gives your fiancé a boner, is what I'm basically saying by giving it to you. Should I put that on the card?
I hope I didn't insult you by buying your lingerie a size too large, but I was unwilling to spend an excessive amount of time picturing the size and shape of your naked body while shopping, so I had to take my best guess. Now that I think about it, I can easily imagine you holding my final choice up mockingly in front of your fiancé as you both laugh about my terrible taste in intimates. That was $45 well spent! I can't wait to buy dinner and several rounds of drinks on top of it!
I do hope you wear a feather boa and a plastic tiara with flashing pink lights during the second act of your bachelorette party, when we go out to an overpriced nightclub after we finish our Cajun shrimp and cosmos! The artificial hilarity of this custom will definitely not depress me. I also can't wait to stay up for several hours past the time I am usually asleep in bed with my husband so that I can do shots and harass men who are uninterested in being bothered by a group of mostly married women who are forcing their engaged friend to participate in a "Sexy Scavenger Hunt" — a prepackaged game one of us purchased during what was probably not a joyless, embarrassed trip to a novelty adult store.
Enjoy your bachelorette party, and go wild! It is your last night of partying hard as a single woman! I suppose some might argue that your last night as a single woman actually happened over five years ago, before you met your now-fiancé, but why split hairs? Live it up! Do your best to find a handsome stranger to have a sexy one-night stand with while we all cheer you on, since it's your last chance! I'm just joking of course. You would never even consider doing that. You are committed to your fiancé and your love is going to last forever, just like this bachelorette party.
Still, your friends and I are all going to pretend that we need to protect you from the droves of slavering single men on the dance floor — who would like nothing better than to hit on a sloppy drunk woman in a sash that says "BRIDE TO BE" while surrounded by a shrieking gaggle of girlfriends wearing penis necklaces.
Yes, we'll also be waving around penis-shaped straws and other phallic gag gifts as a way to gently introduce the blushing bride to something that she will encounter for the first time on her wedding night. Ha ha, no. After years together, you and your husband-to-be are probably already bored of each other sexually. Still, penis-shaped objects are shocking and funny to grown adults, am I right?!
I can only hope that your bachelorette party will be as fun as both your engagement party and wedding shower were! Especially your shower, which gave me the opportunity to watch your future mother-in-law gift you with a sequined thong, an image I am still working hard to avoid deconstructing.
Anyway, see you this Saturday night for a meaningful celebration of your upcoming vow of commitment. There's nothing I'd rather be doing with my time at all!
Molly Schoemann is a humorist from NYC currently living in Garner, NC. Her writing has been published in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Bitch Magazine, Splitsider and elsewhere. You can read more of her work at Mollyschoemann.com or follow her on twitter @iHeardTell.