At 9:15pm Thursday night, my evening was on a romcom heroine pre-makeover trajectory — stretchy inside-pants donned, computer open, a half eaten 1 lb bag of Red Vines on my bed, and a Pac Man tumbler of white wine on the bedside table. There may or may not have been string cheese involved (I'm gross!). When suddenly, a Tweet appeared in my feed that Changed Everything.
"I want @drake to murder my vagina," said Amanda Bynes or a lab chimp pumped full of sex hormones that had taken control of Amanda Bynes' Twitter account. I. Want. Drake. To. Murder. My. Vagina. I want Drake to murder my vagina. IwantDraketomurdermyvagina. What could it mean? Why couldn't I stop reading it? Why did getting fucked in the decency feel so good? I haven't been this preoccupied and disturbed by something since I was at a sleepover and accidentally looked in on my friend Jenny's mom's boyfriend watching a particularly not for kids part of Blue Velvet when I was in 5th grade. Murder my vagina. Vagina murder. The more I pull on it, the more I don't know. The more I need to know. Here are 25 of the mental dead ends I've encountered since I first learned of Vagina Murder. Maybe you can help me.
- Is Vagina Murder covered by any provisions of the Violence Against Women Act?
- What, if any, penalties would Drake face if he were to in fact murder Amanda Bynes' Vagina?
- Would Drake face extradition to Canada if he were arrested for the murder of Amanda Bynes' Vagina?
- What if Amanda Bynes is planning to fake her own vagina's death and then frame Drake for the murder? Can someone write a Law & Order: SVU episode about this?
- What does Vagina Murder entail? I'm assuming from the fact that Amanda Bynes has really been GOING FOR IT — sexual histrionics-wise — lately that she intended the Tweet to be a sexual overture to Drake. Would that mean that only a penis can murder a vagina?
- Can other things besides penises murder vaginas? Could a vibrator murder a vagina? How about a knotted sheet? Could I theoretically murder my vagina with my own fingers?
- Is Amanda Bynes offering her vagina as a sort of spiritual sacrifice to Drake? Was this a public offering of her vagina in the same way that Aslan publicly offered himself to the White Witch in The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe?
- Is Drake a known murderer of vaginas? If so, why are we only paying attention to his vagina murder when a pretty, rich, famous girl publicly brings it to our attention? How many thousands of non-famous, non-rich, possibly non-pretty vaginas has Drake murdered? What does this say about us as a society?
- What possible benefit could Amanda Bynes gain from having a murdered vagina?
- Did Amanda Bynes recently take out an insurance policy on her vagina that pays out millions in the event that her vagina is murdered? Maybe she should delete that Tweet then because insurance investigators will find it in, like, a second.
- What does Amanda Bynes' vagina have to say about this?
- Is there any way that vagina protective services can intervene and perhaps seize temporary custody of Amanda Bynes' vagina, since she's calling for its murder and clearly shirking her responsibilities as the caretaker of a vagina?
- Because this was broadcast on the internet, if Amanda Bynes' vagina were to be murdered, would this become a matter for the FBI?
- Is Amanda Bynes really mad at her vagina or something? I feel like the vagina must have done something to make Amanda angry with her, otherwise Amanda publicly call for her vagina's execution.
- What would my vagina have to do for me in order for me to take a hit out on it?
- What if Amanda Bynes just realized that her sexual urges were becoming a detriment to her happiness? If that's the case, why does Drake need to be the one to murder her vagina?
- Has Amanda Bynes considered less extreme means of vagina surrender than murder? Has Amanda Bynes considered vagina adoption?
- What if Drake tried to murder Amanda Bynes' vagina and it didn't work because her vagina is tenacious and then her vagina came out of a coma and was like, Now it's my turn, bitches, and then Quentin Tarantino made a movie about it? I'd watch. No, I actually probably wouldn't.
- Is it possible that Amanda Bynes just made a typo and she actually wanted Drake to murder something other than her vagina?
- If you murder a vagina in Texas, can you still get the death penalty?
- What if during sex people yelled "Murder me! Murder my cock/pussy!" instead of the normal stuff that people yell? Gross.
- How amazing would it be if Drake responded, "Sry, @AmandaBynes, I only murder buttholes."?
- Seriously though what do you think Drake did in response? If I were his publicist, I'd have driven over to his house and been like GET OFF THE COMPUTER NOW! STOP LOOKING AT THE INTERNET!
- Oh man, do you think there's going to be a reference to vagina murder on Drake's next album? Do you think he'll actually use the word "vagina" or will he call it something Drake-y like "vajay-jaaaaaaayyyyyy"?
- Why would you Tweet that?
Any insight, readers? Any burning questions of your own? Leave them in the comments.