I mean, how hard is it to catch a flight? This is a rhetorical question for Lindsay Lohan, who missed her plane last night from New York to attend her trial in L.A. this morning. (We're now on her twenty-something trial. When you move into the double digits, you should get a free Shakeweight or some turtle wax or an IHop coupon, right?)
Apparently she bounced from her original flight because she thought the plane was "unsafe" and has now chartered a private jet courtesy of energy drink company Mr. Pink. As we write this she has less than two hours to make it to court. Game on.
Our Lindsay faces charges of lying to a police officer about a car crash, reckless driving and violating her probation for a shoplifting conviction, and may be sent to the clink if she's found guilty of any of the above; she may have to serve 245 days. Her attorney Mark Heller insists that it's not an issue of substance abuse anymore:
"She does not need rehab," Heller told reporters after the last hearing. "I am hoping we will be able to come to some creative out-of-the-box answer."
Lohan is already undergoing "one-on-one psychotherapy," he said.
"Lindsay doesn't have a problem with alcohol and drugs," Heller said. "Lindsay has other types of issues that are being dealt with."
On the latest episode of PBS's turn-of-the-century English drama Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kourtney and Kim decided to have a competition to see whose vagina smelled better, and... actually, wait, let me just copy and paste because I can't.
When Khloe finally joined them in London, her older siblings shocked her by carrying out the plan, and in eye-popping scenes led the sisters in taking it in turns to wipe themselves on hand towels and forcing her to smell it.
'Do I want to be the judge of the pineapple p****? Not really,' Khloe said. 'But we're sisters - If can't smell their p****** what else am I supposed to do?'
Kourtney was the first to present her towel, with Khloe sniffing and saying: 'Mmm, smells like a tropical island.'
As Kim walked out, Khloe told her 'I'm not smelling Kanye's ****', but Kim forced her towel on her.
'Oooh,' Khloe said, blushing. 'It smells like a flower p****.'
As the sisters waited for her decision, she finally said: 'Honestly, I will say that Kim's p**** smells the best."
Taylor Swift said stuff. Look, it's a slow news day. Roll with it. Here she admits that "I Knew You Were Trouble" was about Harry Styles and discusses singing at the Brit Awards in that insane wedding dress with her ex-boyfriend in the audience:
''Well, it's not hard to access that emotion when the person the song is directed at is standing by the side of the stage watching ... You're balancing the analytical side of your brain which is telling you where to go and how to go there, with the other side of your brain, which is saying, 'Feel everything you're singing, and show it on your face. Feel everything exactly as you felt it when you wrote the song.'"
And here she is on wearing sneakers and sitting on the bleachers and being the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry.
''There's really no sound quite as loud as a phone not ringing, a letter unanswered. I don't quite understand it, because I either want to be with you or I don't ... I really don't feel like pursuing something that isn't real or isn't going somewhere, so if it's established that someone's commitment-phobic, I'm sorry - go be commitment-phobic with someone else. Because I'm not trying to scare you, I'm not pointing a gun at you; I'm offering to be with you.''
One great way to make that really clear is to wear a wedding dress everywhere, always. [Contact Music]
So it's come to this. Robert Pattinson is hiding from Kristen Stewart in the Outback. While he films his next movie The Rover in the middle of Bumblefuck, Australia, he's enjoying the peace and quiet for the next three weeks, at which point he has to go back to L.A. and talk to K-Stew. He's "dreading" seeing her again, which is a pretty good indication that maybe they should just break up. Guys. Just break up. [Radar Online]
In the same revealing article where Gwyneth Paltrow revealed that she'd miscarried a third child, which would have been a younger sibling to Apple and Moses, she also hints that her marriage to Coldplay frontman Chris Martin may be on the skids. Their relationship is "complicated," she says, and goes on: "Regardless of what happens in our marriage, I chose the best father. We are committed co-parents."
("They are still very much together," says a source.) [Heatworld]
Kate wants a boy. Wills wants a girl. Queen Elizabeth wants a corgi. Who will win? [People]
Prince Harry joked with a club-goer that he'd date him if he breaks up with Cressida Bonas and changes his mind about women as a whole. [Metro.co.uk]
- A French porn star is suing Bow Wow for $80,000 after he put a video of her dancing up on the Interwebs. [TMZ]
- Want to buy me Breaking Bad's Jesse Pinkman's Toyota? Thanksss. [TMZ]
- Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall are fighting over their house in southwest London. [Contact Music]
- Britney Spears gave $100 to a homeless man on the street, which is totally nice, and also reminds me of this old-school SNL sketch. [Showbiz Spy]
- Blue Ivy's getting her own portable nursery when she goes on tour with Mommyoncé. [Entertainmentwise]
- Eva Mendes says that Ryan Gosling is "adorable" around kids. Raise your hand if you're surprised. No one? OK. [Independent.ie]
- Kylie Minogue's songwriter Cathy Dennis says that One Direction would be nuts to start writing their own songs. [The Sun]
- Let's play New Yorker Cartoon Caption or Real Life: David Hasselhoff is currently protesting the destruction of the historic Berlin Wall. [HuffPo]
- Charlize Theron went walking with her kid and a bunch of dogs. [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
- Lil Wayne's hospital room is a hip-hop dork's wet dream. [Us weekly]
- Coco of "Ice Loves" had a birthday party with Ice-T at a club. LOVE. [Page Six]
- Cloris Leachman still knows how to party, and also screamed at a guy outside for smoking a cigarette. [Page Six]
- Marilyn Manson threw a smoke bomb into the parking lot of the theater where Spring Breakers was premiering because he's CRAAAZY, guys. "Apparently it's his signature move," says a source. Cool. [Page Six]
- Miley Cyrus got a possibly-Liam-related tattoo of two Da Vinci-style anatomically correct hearts. [Hello Magazine]
- It still seems likely that Elizabeth Hasselbeck will get the boot from The View despite Barbara Walters' denial. [Page Six]
- Kate Upton might finally get a Vogue cover. [Page Six]
- Liza Minnelli and Alan Cumming went to the Copacabana Club for her 67th birthday and why the fuck wasn't I there? [Page Six]
- Ed Sheeran took a spill onstage. [NYDN]
- Prince played at SXSW for a record-breaking three hours that showcased his famous STAMINA (nahmean?), outlasted many concert-goers, at one point said hilariously: "Don't make me hurt you. You know how many hits I got?" [HuffPo]