Disney Won’t Let You into Its Theme Parks If You So Much as Look Younger Than 14

Disney parks just became uniformly PG-13. Or PG-14, if you want to get persnickety and spoil a perfectly respectable movie analogy.

The corporate ruling elite at Disney has announced that, starting March 23, any person under the age of 14 traveling to the magical world of Disney must be accompanied by a person older than 14 in order to experience the sensory delight of standing in line and getting heavy doses of UV radiation for seven hours just to ride Splash Mountain.

A Disney spokeswoman further explained that Disney gatekeepers will perform what is known in the security racket as a visual pat-down in order to determine if a youthful-looking guest has reached the cut-off age:

If a cast member who is working at the front gates sees a guest who appears to be younger than 14 without someone who appears to be older than that, they will engage in a conversation with the guest.

Having thus assessed the subject as non-threat, the gatekeeper will clear the properly pubescent visitor for entry. No particular incident has prompted the change, according to Disney, except an intense desire on the part of Disney's board members to ensure no parent slips out of his or her duty to sacrifice precious vacation time to a voracious brood of consumerist children-monsters by sleeping through 5:00 am wake-up call from Goofy. "Uh, hyuh, hyuh, hyuh — gooooood morning, partner! Big doin's in the park tooooo-daaaay!" Look upon the works of Disney and despair, ye mortal parents!

Disney bans kids under 14 from entering parks alone [NBC]