If you're a man (or know a man) who can't get through breakfast without ejaculating into his (or your) Cheerios, there's a possible solution on the market. The very first FDA-approved penis-numbing spray is called Promescent — which just sounds like "prom scent", but whatever — and it promises to slow things down for that special sexual encounter. Using the main ingredient of lidocaine*, it desensitizes your man's wily wang and allows intercourse to carry on interminably. Yay?
The Cut's Josh Gondelman's took it for a test spin, and found that much like with Goldilocks and the three bears, figuring out the right dosage of penis-numbing spray was key.
He describes the Herculean task of masturbating on Promescent:
I then spent the ten-minute "waiting period" uncomfortably checking my e-mail. Finally, after fifteen or so years as an amateur, I was ready to become a professional masturbator. Unfortunately, I'd been overzealous with the Promescent. I could barely muster the kind of erection you might get after several tumblers of hard alcohol. The problem wasn't numbness so much as anhedonia of the genitals. Masturbating felt like listening to a Phish song; I was ten minutes in with no end in sight, just a lot of aimless noodling. After twenty fruitless minutes, I gave up, limp from exhaustion and local anesthesia.
The next day, I got "back to work" using only three spritzes. Though it diminished the sexual sensation, the lower dose made pleasuring myself feel less like a Sisyphean chore and more like eating the last piece of pizza just because it's there. After eleven minutes, I finally finished my pizza. I'd call it a "climax" in the same way that crossing "wash dishes" off your to-do list is the "climax" of washing dishes.
And the sex sounds even worse. Yeesh.
He concludes with, "If you or a man you know is a quick draw and doesn't want to be, Promescent will probably help, but finding the correct dosage — something I never determined — is crucial." And seeing that he tried it a few times in different situations, it'd probably takes someone serious about the task to get it right. However, for high school boys with constant boners and others who can't last longer than the amount of time between Lindsay Lohan's arrests, it could save your social life?
*You can't help but wonder if just using lidocaine cream would have the same effect and maybe cost much less? That might be what the non-FDA approved stuff is made of?
Image via Jenn Huls/Shutterstock