Eaten at Carl's Jr. lately? I would guess not — I don't know about you, but haven't ordered from a Carl's Jr./Hardee's since the late nineties when I realized that I could save cash and create the same flavors by pouring a bottle of barbecue sauce over a bunch of used bandaids. Not that our consumership matters to them much. Perhaps you've noticed that Carl's Jr. is not exactly trying to market towards the ladies quite as much as they try to market on them.
In late March, Carl's Jr. will debut a new commercial that features Victoria's Secret model and Project Runway host Heidi Klum hawking the restaurant's newest sandwich and — quelle surprise! — it's gonna be super SEXXXY. In Klum's own words, "Basically, I am Mrs. Robinson and I am seducing this cute little boy... with my burger, I shove the burger in his mouth in a sexy way." There's a great future in Carl's Jr. burgers. Think about it. Will you think about it?
Of course, Klum is just another spokesmodel in a long history of spokesmodels used by the chain to make its highly processed food more appealing to our nation's neck-beards, which is why we're now lucky enough present the most eye roll-y timeline of all time. Ladies, gentlemen, ladies splayed across the hood of a car pretending to fellatiate a sandwich: A history of disgusting Carl's Jr. ads.
Paris Hilton, 2005
This commercial, featuring Paris Hilton washing a Bentley in a swimsuit and pair of high heels, is what kicked off Carl's Jr.'s campaign of using women's bodies to sell their product. The ad gained notoriety and YouTube infamy after it was banned from TV before it ever even aired.
It's upsetting because of it's objectification of women. It's infuriating because who in their right mind eats a burger with sopping wet hands?
Cameron Richardson, 2005
Don't you hate having to decide whether or not you want to ride a mechanical bull in the middle of an empty warehouse or rub your mouth on a disgusting sandwich? Well, break out your low-rise jeans, girl, because you don't have to choose!
Ashley Hartman, 2007
Ugh, girlfriends. Don't they know that attending to boners is a full time gig?
Audrina Patridge, 2009
Let Hills star Audrina Patridge's very expressive narration guide you through the experience of eating a teriyaki burger which is probably caked with sand and tanning oil because she's eating it at the beach. I know that you're not really working from a place of reason, Carl's Jr., but I'm gonna say it anyway — in the real world, women tend to eat their food either at tables or in front of the television....Usually in front of the television.
Padma Lakshmi, 2009
Padma, as the host of Top Chef, already has a patent on that whole sexy foodie thing, but, in case you doubted it, loooooooook: here she is eating food in slow motion. Do you get it? Do you get it yet? How about now? Now? No? Pack your knives and go.
Kim Kardashian, 2009
The restaurant used Kim Kardashian in 2009 to try to advertise a salad. Honestly, I would respect this commercial more if they just fed it directly to her vagina.
Miss Turkey, 2011
Again: QUIT BEING SO COY, CARL'S JR. If you want Miss Turkey in a bikini covered in turkey burgers, make her wear a bikini made of actual turkey burgers. Or better yet, slaughter a turkey right there and make her wear its blood and guts. It's so much more direct and makes her that much closer to being a hunk of meat herself.
Emily Ratajkowski and Sara Underwood, 2012
These ladies like bugers...fur burgers that is. Wink wonk womp.
Kate Upton, 2012
Women are always freaking out about doing things like going to a movie or eating out by themselves, but it's not that big of a deal. Feel free to hit the cinema solo just so long as you bring your Carl's Jr. patty melt and use it to grease up your boobs and vag.
Fun fact: Kate Upton was barely 20 when they made this video. Ahaha-boohoohoo.
Nina Agdal, 2013
The codfish sandwich is her pussy, guys. It's her pussy.
...Heidi Klum to come. Bet you can't wait!