Toronto Star Food Critic Writes What Is Basically Nigella Lawson Kitchen EroticaS

After observing celebrity chef and perfectly complexioned human Nigella Lawson in the Toronto Star test kitchen, Star food critic and aspiring erotic memoirist Michele Henry decided that, instead of recounting Lawson's visit the way a food critic who isn't on ecstasy might have recounted it, she'd write the beginning of an erotic novel about Nigella Lawson making the sexy with a pasta dish.

Thanks to tipster and blogger Marci O'Connor (who wrote about Henry's article in all its strange lasciviousness), we have now been made aware of passages like these:

Nigella Lawson bites her bottom lip as she snatches a giant knife off the counter with the stealth of a schoolgirl up to no good. Swiftly, she lops a loop of fabric off her curve-hugging purple dress.

Yeah, you know where this is going — third-degree burns on someone's mons pubis, is where. Over the course of the next several lines of Henry's article, Nigella Lawson almost slices her jugular with a knife, bats "her eyelashes coquettishly as if to make amends for doing something naughty" when her microphone gets caught in her dress (purple, the color of queens), and attains celebrity chef star wattage so powerful it could "light a fire under a rocket ship" (or, for the more prosaic among you, give you an amazeballs orgasm). Then, just when you think Nigella Lawson has finished titillating and has finally gotten down to the serious business of preparing food, this happens:

A hurricane of hips, boobs and hair, the British food babe tosses her head and unwraps her black wool coat. It slinks off her shoulders like a dressing gown, instantly transforming the culinary space into a boudoir and underscoring why she's famous for making food sexy.

Look for Culinary Boudoir: My Sexual Odyssey with Nigella Lawson, by Michele Henry, available wherever fine kitchen erotica fiction is sold.

Nigella Lawson: A hurricane in the Star's test kitchen [Toronto Star]