Star Trainer Pretends He's The First Human To Introduce Dumb Crash Diet To Middle AmericaS

Haven't you been SO worried about middle America catching onto crash diets, juice fasts, and other ultimately unhealthy, pointless exercises in self-restriction? I sure have!

Fuck walking on a treadmill every day and slowly, realistically dropping some pounds that you can KEEP off, I've thought to myself. When will someone show us salt of the earth folks that now you can go on a liquid diet, lose a small toddler's worth of weight in four seconds and gain it back almost immediately?

Your worries end here! L.A. trainer and fitness expert Harley Pasternak, who's worked with Katy Perry, Hilary Duff, Amanda Seyfried and Kimye, learned that America wants quick-'n'-easy results firsthand when he appeared on ABC's short-lived women's weight loss talk show The Revolution. He talks to The Cut about bestowing his new juice fast upon the chubby masses.

Upon encountering the demographic of Average Jane dieters who resort to diet pills and master cleanses, he says, "I realized that the slow-and-steady message I'd been espousing is not a real world solution for everybody. People don't want to wait 30 weeks, dropping a half a pound a week, to look and feel better." Gahhh. America likes the show Cops, too, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be watching Enlightened.

Says Pasternak, while Katy Perry and co. "need to lose, maybe, three or four pounds, and tone or sculpt... Real people* need immediate results and I need to give it to them in an immediate way." So he's developed the Body Reset Diet for the rest of us Muggles, a 15-day smoothie-based diet that isn't as drastic as a juice cleanse but is designed for rapid weight loss. (We're allowed to snack on hummus, veggies, sliced turkey and air-popped popcorn during our smoothie extravaganza.)

Last week an article that Pasternak wrote for People, comparing and contrasting the fitness acumen of former Disney starlets, was roundly criticized by blogs. Naturally, the "well-reviwed" young women were his clients. (Rather, "Someone taught them how to eat properly," he says discreetly in The Cut article.) But his overall response?

What was interesting was that the response from Canadians on Facebook was much more positive than comments. I think the U.S. has ultrasensitivity about weight loss. They're sick of people telling them they're obese and they only rank 40th in life expectancy. Canada ranks eleventh.

America is too damn fat to deal with his Truth Telling! Shut up and stop being so fat, America!

Finally, how does Pasternak feel about potentially shrinking Jessica Simpson's breasts or Kim Kardashian's butt when he trains them?

I think God maintains their body brands. It's mostly genetics.

And, scene.

*Fatness Everdeens.

'Kim Kardashian's Body Guru Has a Liquid Diet for Middle America' [The Cut/NY Mag]