Am I the last to know about Lil Poopy? Why doesn't anyone ever CALL ME. Jesus. For the similarly uninitiated, Lil Poopy is the youngest member of the "Coke Boys" crew—a rapper who loves bitches and lobster and just also happens to be a tiny 9-year-old. Concerned about the ethics and repercussions of training a 3rd-grader to rap about cocaine and grope ladies' butts, Child Protective Services has launched an investigation into the parenting methods of, uh, Big Poopy.

Lil Poopy's lawyer, Joseph Krowski, says that Lil Poopy's art is protected speech:

He's got a First Amendment legal right to sing the rap that he's singing...I would absolutely let one of my children participate in the videos, if they had that type of talent.

Ooooooh, BURN on Joseph Krowski's kids, Joseph Krowski!!!

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a lawyer (but I will represent you in court, because #YOLO), but it seems to me like free speech and child neglect/endangerment are two separate issues. If you write a smooth acoustic folk jam about beating your kids, and you actually are beating your kids, you're not going to get arrested for singing your folk jam—you're going to get arrested for beating your kids. Right? So it's not Lil Poopy's speech that's the problem, it's that his parents feel totally okay sexualizing a 9-year-old and then profiting from that sexualization. He springs from the awkward cultural intersection of Toddlers & Tiaras and The Puppies (oh my god, please click) and the glamorization of drugs/bitches/fucking. Lil Poopy might genuinely think that coke and butts are totally awesome, but that's because he's a child surrounded by adults who are encouraging him to do a creepy pantomime of adulthood for their own amusement. I'd say that's worth a second glance.

Not to generalize, but I KNOW a 9-year-old, and she doesn't give a shit about filet mignon. Her only interests are white bread and Chef Boyardee ravioli 24/7. So what I'm saying is...elephant in the room...filet mignon is a totally overrated cut of meat, amirite!?!?

No, but really. Lil Poopy. I am skeptical that these raps accurately reflect your lifestyle. Don't you just want some candy? And a stuffed animal? And a high chair? Don't you want to just chill out and watch Dog with a Blog? If you haven't seen it, it's about a dog who has a blog. Great stuff. (SERIOUSLY ARE YOU OKAY BLINK TWICE FOR NO.)

9-Year-Old Rapper Lil Poopy Of French Montana's Coke Boys Crew Being Investigated By Child Services [InFlexWeTrust]