I Can Lengthen My Words and So Can YouuuuuuuS

Sooooo word lengthening is totally a thing now. It used to be that only young people did it in text messages and over IM, but now it's popping up in workplace emails and other more formal settings. This might be hard to deal with, especially if you're particularly attached to the integrity of the English language or what have you, but there is not a lot that you can do to stop it besides fight against it in your own personal writing and even then, the only thing you might accomplish is coming off as inexpressive. Better instead to become well versed in this written trend so that you can keep up. Buy a ticket or get off the trainnnnnn. Shit or get off the potttt, catch my drift?

From the Atlantic:

For the past five years, Sali Tagliamonte, a linguist at the University of Toronto, has been gathering digital-communications data from students. In analyzing nearly 4 million words, she's found some interesting patterns. "This reduplication of letters, it's not all crazy," she told me. Certain vowels-o, a, and e-are the most-frequent candidates for multiplication. Words are most frequently elongated by two or three letters at a time. Elongations are common in instant messaging and texting, but less frequent in e-mail. And as with other linguistic trends — Tagliamonte mentioned the use of like for quotation and so for intensification ("I was like, ‘That's so funny!' ")-"women are at the forefront."

Here at the Good Ship Jezebel we talk over IM all the time. We also all get along quite well so, when we speak, we try to be nice to one another. This usually results in a lot of word lengthening. "Dooooodai," I might write. "There's a new Beyoncé videoooooooo. Also, I waaaaaant naaaaaachos." Or "Lindy, I'm a ghoooooooost." My point is that we're pretty well versed in the ins-and-outs and implications of what it means to add certain letters to certain words and this is a skill that you can learn, too! Here, I'll even help by translating emails full of elongated words — which I arbitrarily decided should be written by the characters from the early aughts TV hit The OC —into what they actually mean. Never say that I haven't ever taught you anything.

California, here we cooooooooooooooooome!


Email sent August 5, 2003
Sender: Marissa Cooper
Recipient: Summer Roberts
Subject: New neeeeeeighbor!!!! :)

Summer, girl. New guy moved in next door and he's a toooooootal bad boy. Like soooo bad. Did you see him get punched by Luke at the party???? Owieeeee, but still, omggggggg, he is sooo hottttttttt. <3- Marissa

Translation:

Summer, I am going to be straight forward with you. I have a new neighbor and he does not seem like someone who follows the rules made by our society. I find this appealing. He brawled with Luke at the pool party. He appeared hurt but it did not damage his extreme attractiveness to me. All my love, Marissa

Email sent August 5, 2003
Sender: Summer Roberts
Recipient: Marissa Cooper
Subject: Re: New neeeeeeighbor!!!! :)

MARISSA. EWWWWWWW.

Translation:

Marissa, I feel strongly about this. I am disgusted.

Email sent August 5, 2003
Sender: Marissa Cooper
Recipient: Summer Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: New neeeeeeighbor!!!! :)

Sorrrrrry for having eyeballs. He's staying with the Cohens. Let's go over and talk to them.

Translation:

I will not apologize for being attracted to someone. Let's go over and talk to them.

Email sent August 5, 2003
Sender: Summer Roberts
Recipient: Marissa Cooper
Subject: Re: Re: Re: New neeeeeeighbor!!!! :)

Ugh, fiiiiiiine.

Translation:

Fine, but I won't be happy about it.

Email sent August 5, 2003
Sender: Seth Cohen
Recipient: Ryan Atwood
Subject: roooomies!

Ryannnnnnn!

I am sooooooo happy that you're staying with us. We are gonna be, like, best buuuuudz. You'll neeeeeever get rid of meee. JKJKJK. I'm cooool! I promise! I just don't have a lot of friends, but I'll leave you alone whenever you want!

P.S. Can I come to the pool house? I have a new Death Cab CD and it is goooooooood. You'll reallllllly like it.

Translation:

Dearest Ryan,

You have made me terribly pleased by staying with my family. Our beautiful relationship will only intensify. I will cling to you like a baby baboon clings to its mother. I am not kidding. I am really not kidding. I have no friends. You are the only person in my world.

P.S. I am coming to your bedroom with a CD that I will use as a pretense to speak with you. It is not in your taste. This I know because I noticed your leather wrist cuff. Where can I get one like it?

Email sent August 5, 2003
Sender: Seth Cohen
Recipient: Ryan Atwood
Subject: RE: roooomies!

Whyyyyyy won't you respond? Oooooh, because you're too poor to own a computer? My baaaaaad.

Anyway, my neighbor Marissa likes you, but don't bother because she's the wooooooorst.

Translation:

I am so frustrated that you won't respond to me, but, wait — I've just now realized that you're too impoverished to own a computer or have an email address. This was thoughtless of me, I admit that.

By the way, my neighbor Marissa likes you, but don't bother because she fucking sucks. All she'll do is get you into trouble and then get killed in a car accident.

Email sent August 5, 2003
Sender: Seth Cohen
Recipient: Ryan Atwood
Subject: RE: RE: roooomies!

Oh, but her friend Summer is beeeeeautiful. I loooooooove her!

Who am I sending these emails to?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Translation:

Her friend Summer is a different story. She is stunning and I have loved her since we were both children.

But — really — where are these emails going?

Email sent August 5, 2003
Sender: Captain Oats
Recipient: Princess Sparkle
Subject: Neigh

Whinny, neigh neigh neigh, whinny whinny.

Translation:

Fuckin' people.

Email sent August 5, 2003
Sender: Princess Sparkle
Recipient: Captain Oats
Subject: Re: Neigh

NEIGH. Whinny whinny neigh.

Translation:

Yeah, fuckin' people. Also, Sandy Cohen's eyebrows? WTFFFFFFF?


Do you get it nowwwwww?