Last night's Academy Awards were a bit of a shitshow—as massive, shambling, designed-by-committee live ceremonies tend to be. As far as I could tell, the theme of the night was "James Bond for no reason/the 2003 movie version of Chicago/indulging Seth MacFarlane's broken dreams of becoming a razzle-dazzle crooner/exorcizing Seth MacFarlane's uncomfortable woman issues/figuring out who hid Renee Zellwegger's hairbrush/stilted bickering."
Also, ostensibly, "music," which is way too vague to be a theme, you guys. Personally, I found the off-ness of the night kind of delightful—it might have been boring, but at least it was a new, weird, Channing-Tatum-heavy kind of boring!—and it was comforting to note that the celebrities on the scene seemed not to know WTF was going on either. At any point. Ever. They handled their confusion with varying levels of aplomb, and so, to celebrate them, we will now rank all the celebrities [that I care about] at the 2013 Academy Awards from most charming to least charming.
1. Shirley Bassey
"HE LOVES ONLY GOLD. HE LOVES GOLD." - Most inspired lyrics ever about a guy who really really loves gold. She killed it. She killed everything.
2. Christoph Waltz
Always and forever.
3. Michelle Obama
It's not that I love her, it's that I'm literally IN LOVE with her.
4. Meryl Streep
"...andtheOscargoestoDanielDayLewisorwhatever." She didn't even fuck with it. If she'd been holding a mic she would have dropped it all the way to China.
5. Daniel Day Lewis
"I had actually been committed to play Margaret Thatcher, and Meryl was Stephen's first choice for Lincoln." Um, I'm sorry, nobody told me that DDL was going to BRING ALL THE JOKES. I'll be over here hot-glue-gunning my womb back together.
6. Quvenzhané Wallis
QUVENZHANE WALLIS FOR OSCAR HOST 2014.
8. Jezebel Editor Jessica Coen
For the part when the cat stepped on her remote control and changed the channel to some SNL retrospective and she didn't figure it out for literally five minutes. Sample quote: "WHY IS THE ACADEMY HONORING CHRIS PARNELL?"
9. Jennifer Lawrence
Even the falling down was flawless.
10. Queen Latifah
Literal queen of earth and space.
11. The Cast of Les Miserables
12. Halle Berry
13. Jennifer Garner
The part where she cried!!!
14. Sandra Bullock
15. Ernest Borgnine
You guys should have heard the Ernest Borgnoise of grief I made when his pic opened up that dead-people montage. If Dick Van Dyke ever dies it's going to be like that scene in the Princess Bride where everyone on earth can hear Wesley's wails echoing in their molars, only the role of Wesley will be played by me and the role of Christopher-Guest's-torture-machine will be played by the-prospect-of-a-world-without-Dick-Van-Dyke. Don't even talk to me about Julie Andrews. #GeneHackman
16. That Guy Who Was in True Lies! Winning Best Picture!
It's like when Dean Pelton from Community won last year, only even better, because TRUE LIES.
17. Jack Nicholson
Sweet Transitions lenses, bro. Also, thank you for creating my new 75 favorite Jennifer Lawrence gifs. I may or may not have cried.
18. Kristen Stewart
Okay. Mystery. K-Stew was on crutches on the red carpet, but then when she came out to present with Daniel Radcliffe, she was crutchless and attempting some sort of sexy limp. Fifty points to Gryffindor for moxie, but seriously, what Slytherin producer stole Kristen Stewart's crutches and told her to Kerri Strug it for the cameras? That shit is ice cold.
19. Denzel Washington
Wait, is Flight really about a guy who lands a plane upside down using the power of cocaine? That is the funniest thing I have ever heard. I don't even know how to talk about it. Was that movie written upside down using the power of cocaine?
20. Barbra Streisand
In an ensemble that can only be described as "Rayanne Graff Black Tie."
21. Seth MacFarlane
The whole thing was awkward (and frequently problematic), but it wasn't a disaster, exactly. It was actually much less disastery than I expected. Maybe that's because MacFarlane's apparent obsessions—jazz standards, cultural references, pointless cutaways, pointless cutaways that implore MacFarlane to sing more jazz standards—actually fit better in an awards show format than they do in a 30-minute comedy that purports to have a "story arc." Anyway, I don't know if it's fair to judge him on his live comedy prowess when it's clear that the man just wants to SING. Plus, isn't it great how many different voice he can do?
22. Grey Poupon
They really nailed it on how to market mustard to 5th-graders. 1990 me is still loling at that car gag.
23. The Cast of Chicago
I mean, I don't have anything against Chicago per se, but is anyone just sitting around loving the crap out of it? The movie adaptation came out in 2003, and I definitely haven't thought about it since 2003-and-a-half at the latest. Anyway, Chicago came up multiple times during last night's Oscars—once in an extended montage from the film (!?) and once when the cast came out to present some award to someone (zzz). Here's a thought: As long as we're honoring arbitrary movies, it's been 24 years since Troop Beverly Hills. Couldn't we have Shelley Long and Craig T. Nelson come out and present Best Director? I am 99% sure that Mary Gross isn't busy (raising the question WHY ISN'T MARY GROSS MORE BUSY).
24. Quentin Tarantino
Like, dude, no worries, don't even bother to wake up. It's only the Oscars. Just get borne here on your palanquin and then have your handmaidens Weekend-at-Bernie's you to your seat in your weird leather tie. No, don't button anything. Ironing is for SHEEP.
25. William Shatner
26. John Travolta's Mind-Control Bosley