It's time! The Oscars are here, and we're ready to celebrate the most talented denizens of tinsel town on the year's greatest achievements*. Screw finding the cure for cancer — these shiny people are the real heroes. Let's watch the red carpet commentators pretend to be friends with celebrities and say ridiculous things like, "She looks comfortable, and comfort is key when it comes to the red carpet." Then, we'll head inside for the actual show, with first-time host/possible crazy person Seth MacFarlane, who may or may not open the show with another Holocaust joke. Anything could happen! But even if the show gets boring, we can all liven it up in the comments. Let's do this.
*Or, you know, covet the dresses and talk some shit.
First up, here's our nominees. I'm expecting a full sweep for Amour. And you?
Quvenzhane Wallis' doggie purse? Do want. I don't think it's too soon to say she's the front runner for #bestdressed.
Then there's this:
Kerry Washington looks like a Barbie dream house as a person. Also, she's just too damn pretty GET RID OF HER! Jkjk, she's the best.
Why is Real Housewife Brandi Glanville there? BOOBS
Meanwhile, in DC:
Chocolate Oscar is the most delicious Oscar:
Sally Field adjusting the tie of your boyfriend Joseph Gordon-Levitt. You mad?:
Joseph Gordon-Levitt is psyched about meeting Jane Fonda. How cute is that? How much more do you love him now?
Johnny Weir is annoyed:
Shiny shirt, bow tie, my grandma's glasses. LOOKIN GOOD:
This is actually kinda true:
Queen Latifah is GORGEOUS. I want this to be my wedding dress:
Love short-ass Kristin Chenoweth having a short-off height competition with Bradley Cooper's short-ass mom. Adorable. Wait, is Bradley Cooper's mom wearing sneakers? YES SHE IS.
Katie Couric is NOT pleased:
LOL at this interviewer asking Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban if this is the ultimate date night. What was that?
Kristin Chenoweth is a chatty peacock.
OH SNAP. Ryan Seacrest snubs Catherine Zeta Jones on the red carpet. This just got really real.
Charlize fell prey to the peplum and damn it works:
Hugh Jackman kettle belling Kristin Chenoweth
Well, this is ridiculously adorable.
Was Kristen Stewart just tapping her toe (or her whole leg?) in the background of that shot. Like, "Ugh, come on! I'm so over this." Or am I seeing things?? OK, we've got video; what's going on here. UPDATE: She's on crutches! Well, then, amazing job.
Kristen Bell Speaks For Me:
I had no idea Adele was so tall — 6'1" in heels! She looks beautiful, but the dress is kinda boring? It's very Adele at an Award Show.
5'1" vs. 6'1"!
Stacy Kiebler's BOMB dress and her grandpa.
Sound issues for Sandy :(
This picture is gonna start some rumors.
Hoda is ready for a nap. We're in!
Jamie Foxx is making Kelly Rowland so uncomfortable! So adorably uncomfortable!
Jennifer Lawrence is everyone's best dressed? The dress looks like she took all the drapes from my parents bedroom and fastened them to her body with scotch tape and rubberbands.
7 minutes to show time, get your jug of wine and slanket, let's
get this over with have fun!
Jamie Foxx's daughter Corrine is Just Like Us:
If you want to watch online, apparently this link is good. (thanks, falkies!)
UGH, this isn't Amy and Tina.
Tommy Lee Jones giggles
I'm bored, but I also want to be in the middle of this sandwich:
I don't think the camera people or directors know what Roman Coppola looks like.
Whoa, it just picked up! Rhianna and Chris Brown joke whoa.
William Shatner and us: "Why can't Tina and Amy host everything?"
Jennifer Lawrence and Charlize Theron's reactions are by far the best parts of this stupid sexist boobs song. Here's the awful boobs song if you want to subject yourself to it:
Charlize and Channing work it out.
OK, this sock puppet version of Flight is pretty alight. Roll it!
Harry Potter and JGL work it out.
Octavia Spencer (love the dress) present Best Supporting Actor statue to Christoph Waltz!
My mom: Oh, is Peter Brady hosting the Oscars?
During this commercial break, let's enjoy a moment of cute.
The two most likable people in Hollywood present the Best Animated Short to Paperman (everyone loved that shit) and best animated feature to Brave. Nice kilt, bro. The Brenda Chapman shout out to her daughter who inspired Brave is adorable. Must've been awkward for those two directors to be on stage together?
Where's Scarlett Johansson? That's so many men! (I don't think I'm complaining, but still.) The superheroes who can't even open the envelope present Oscars for Best Cinematography and Best Visual Effects to Life of Pi.
Jennifer Aniston and Channing Tatum talk about their love of waxing, and then they present the award for Best Costume Design to Jacqueline Durran for Anna Karenina, who apparently just makes dresses for all of Keira Knightley's period pieces.
WOMEN BE ANOREXIC HAHA.
9:21 Halle Berry looks like a very sexy prison escapee. It was a little uncomfortable when she said "PUSSY... Galore."
GoldFINGA! Shirley Bassey killing it.
Kerry Washington double dose! A Scandal commercial and then an Oscar presenter. More, more! Best Live Action Short Film goes to Curfew, a movie you've never seen and never will. Looks cute, tho. Best Documentary Short Subject goes to Inocente, and its producers make a plea for the richies in the room to support young women artists; that please will go unheard by all of Hollywood. Claps!
For real, that's Liam Neeson's real voice?
I think this is what Taken 14 will be about:
Why are they showing no audience reactions? It's annoying, I want to see various celebrities rolling their eyes.
John Travolta has gone full vampire.
Is this the cast of Les Mis doing Chicago? This is the fucking weirdest, most awesome thing ever. Man, Catherine Zeta-Jones LOVES to sing, I'm pretty sure this was in her contract.
Wait, no, it's just All That Jazz? Is it 2001? I don't understand what's happening! Oh, is it just some of the Broadway shows that were made into movies and then nominated? It's still bizarre, but I love a musical, so...
OH HELL YES.
This is some good-ass CGI on Ted. It's like the bear is there! It's freaking my dog out.
Christopher Plummer presents Best Supporting Actress award to Anne Hathaway. Here's hoping she's gotten better at her fake surprise acceptance speech. (Did anyone see the Helen Hunt sex movie? It looks good?)
The darts in Anne Hathaway's dress... MAD PROPS, GURL. Her husband looks like a ginger Ryan Gosling. She closes with a prayer for French women — hopefully in the future, they won't have to sell their hair and teeth and then prostitute themselves and then succumb to tuberculosis. SOLIDARITY.
Sandy, I love you. Best Editing award goes to William Goldenberg for Argo.
Adele's sparkle dress blends with the sparkle background. Turn up her mic!
Adorable: Anne Hathaway watches Adele's performance backstage.
Kristen Stewart walks like my high school friend who's now in a gang. I know, I know, crutches! Also, please get some hairspray, and I love your dress. Production Design Oscar goes to Lincoln.
That time in the evening when you to say "she's dead?!" about fifteen times is up next!
More Chicago? I'm not complaining (exactly), but OK? Also, I love how Queen Latifah had to jump in and read the winner because I don't think Renee Zellweger's eyes are currently working. Or she can't read? Either way. Best Original Score goes to Life of Pi.
Well, this global warming segment is even more depressing than that sloppy Chicago crew — not you, Queen LaLa!
The winner of Best Original Song is Skyfall! It's Adele, wearing a long version of her earlier dress. Maybe it's like those track pants with the buttoned on bottoms? Anyway, her co-writer just thanked someone with the last name broccoli. It was a quick and cute acceptance speech.
Charlize Theron YOU BEAUTIFUL PIXIE GODDESS. Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Argo. I typed that before Theron even said it. Let it stand that Tony Kushner was ROBBED, and should win all the awards.
Best Original Screenplay goes to Django Unchained . Quentin Tarantino, please be crazy. Is his tie edible? It looks like black licorice. I'm hungry; is this shit over yet?
The fuck is Unicorn Apocalypse??
Best Director is Ang Lee. He gets a standing o, and his bow tie is the cutest.
Best Actress goes to Jennifer Lawrence?! I was not expecting that. Close-up of Chastain please. Speech was good, short and sweet. Nothing embarrassing and out there, which is a bit of a bummer.
Meryl! Best Actor goes to... Daniel Day Lewis. Well, there was really no delay. How can he says he doesn't know how this happened? Whenever he acts, he wins an Oscar. It's like, his thing. MARGARET THATCHER JOKE LOL. OK, give him all the awards.
11:52 The FLOTUS!!!!
I love that Michelle Obama is presenting the Oscar for Best Picture to Argo. Like, what?? But so, so wonderful.
Wanda Sykes takes us to the end with this:
Do you have to work tomorrow? I'm so sorry. But good news? We did it! Goodnight, everyone!