Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we snack on gossip sandwiches served by In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Tanisha Love Ramirez assists as we the mags report: Kris Jenner is a straight up pimp; other swimsuit models loathe Kate Upton; and Britney Spears is being wooed by a execs at a major hotel on the Las Vegas strip — although they'd better be cool with lip-synching.
"We're Having Babies!"
Fun fact: If you pee on this week's issue, it'll tell you if you're pregnant! This week we learn that Khloe Kardashian Odom, Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett and Giuliana Rancic are all having babies — someday. Just not now. Damn false positive headline. Not-pregnant-Kendra plans on having another baby because her son Hank IV wants a sibling; not-pregnant-Khloe is still trying to fill her womb with the next Kardashian heir; and not-pregnant-Giuliana bought some pink items from a children's store. Also, apparently Rihanna wants to go from "musical queen to baby mama," and is trying to get pregnant with Chris Brown's spawn because she thinks "that's the best way to get Chris to put a ring on her finger," shares a helpful insider. In real celebrity pregnancy news: Kimye found out that they're having a baby boy, which they're totes happy about because according to a friend, "Kim adores Mason, so she's excited to have a little boy like him." Somewhere else in Hollywood, John Mayer went down on one knee and popped something — maybe it was THE QUESTION, maybe it was his ACL, we don't know because the couple hasn't confirmed an engagement. And finally, Mila Kunis proves that she is simply out of fucks to give when it comes to your interest in her love life, answering Ok!'s interview question, "can we ask about love in general?" with a terse, "You can. Will I answer? No." Love!
Grade: F (shit sandwich)
Life & Style
"Secrets of the Proposal"
Some guy named Sean Lowe proposed to some woman who collected the most roses from him, and they are all set to live happily scripted after. We don't know who she is but the "magical" made-for-TV proposal won't air until March 11th, but insiders (read: publicists) reveal that Sean proposed to his co-star — sorry, TRUE LOVE — with a 4.3 carat Neil Lane engagement ring in Rai, Thailand, in front a perfect backdrop of scattered flower petals, tiki torches and a television crew. Stay tuned for the big finale. Or don't. We don't care. Next! Brandi Glanville is fearful that LeAnn Rimes is too unstable to be around her children, and is insisting that the woman who she once referred to as a "washed-up country star" get some help. Kim Kardashian is in "denial about being pregnant" and refuses to stop wearing sky-high heels and body-hugging Spanx as her body insists on growing another human being inside of it. In Kourtney Kardashian news: Kourt scowled, Scott partied, babies ate, lather, rinse, repeat. Meanwhile, Bradley Cooper is "on the hunt for lovely ladies to add to his travel itinerary" while visiting London, so practice your mating call and get cooped up. Lastly, in "A-Listers Get Oscar-Ready" we learn that lady A-Listers are all about sculpting, smoothing and detoxing their bodies in an effort to be "Oscar-Ready" enough to receive accolades for their professional accomplishments. Male A-Listers, however, are probably just playing X-Box and rubbing leftover taco grease onto their faces to achieve that "Oscar-ready" glow.
Grade: D- (sand sandwich)
"Make Me More Money!"
It's hard out there for a pimp, and Kris Jenner would know. Now that her "older" girls are out making babies, not money, she's turning to her younger daughters and forcing them to go out there and make her some damn moolah. (Sigh!) According to an insider, "She is going to work them for every penny," and has pulled the girls out of school in favor of having them working more. Friends of the family are worried that Kris is trying to shove both Kendall and Kylie into the big-ass fame-making machine from which Kim Kardashian was born, going so far as to allow them to dress, work and behave like their older sister (Fig 1). That shit kray. RHOA's Phaedra Parks is mad as hell that castmate Kenya Moore backed her ass out of a joint workout video called Donkey Booty and has gone behind her back to produce her own, solo workout video called Stallion Booty, launching an all-out "battle of the booties" between the two former bosom buddies. Also, the mag needs your help figuring out: "Are These Big Butts Real?" (Fig. 2). Let's see, what else? Britney Spears may be headed to Sin City, but she will have a curfew, a spending limit and won't be allowed to bring boys into her room at night, Ke$ha smells like a hobo-meets-"a shrimp on a diaper", and Katy Perry wore a heart-shaped ring that boyfriend John Mayer bought her, what does it mean?
Grade: D+ (horsemeat sandwich)