This Week In Tabloids: Britney Spears Doesn't Really Sing, Jeopardizes Her Vegas Deal

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we snack on gossip sandwiches served by In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Tanisha Love Ramirez assists as we the mags report: Kris Jenner is a straight up pimp; other swimsuit models loathe Kate Upton; and Britney Spears is being wooed by a execs at a major hotel on the Las Vegas strip — although they'd better be cool with lip-synching.


This Week In Tabloids: Britney Spears Doesn't Really Sing, Jeopardizes Her Vegas Deal

Ok!
"We're Having Babies!"
Fun fact: If you pee on this week's issue, it'll tell you if you're pregnant! This week we learn that Khloe Kardashian Odom, Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett and Giuliana Rancic are all having babies — someday. Just not now. Damn false positive headline. Not-pregnant-Kendra plans on having another baby because her son Hank IV wants a sibling; not-pregnant-Khloe is still trying to fill her womb with the next Kardashian heir; and not-pregnant-Giuliana bought some pink items from a children's store. Also, apparently Rihanna wants to go from "musical queen to baby mama," and is trying to get pregnant with Chris Brown's spawn because she thinks "that's the best way to get Chris to put a ring on her finger," shares a helpful insider. In real celebrity pregnancy news: Kimye found out that they're having a baby boy, which they're totes happy about because according to a friend, "Kim adores Mason, so she's excited to have a little boy like him." Somewhere else in Hollywood, John Mayer went down on one knee and popped something — maybe it was THE QUESTION, maybe it was his ACL, we don't know because the couple hasn't confirmed an engagement. And finally, Mila Kunis proves that she is simply out of fucks to give when it comes to your interest in her love life, answering Ok!'s interview question, "can we ask about love in general?" with a terse, "You can. Will I answer? No." Love!
Grade: F (shit sandwich)


This Week In Tabloids: Britney Spears Doesn't Really Sing, Jeopardizes Her Vegas Deal

Life & Style
"Secrets of the Proposal"
Some guy named Sean Lowe proposed to some woman who collected the most roses from him, and they are all set to live happily scripted after. We don't know who she is but the "magical" made-for-TV proposal won't air until March 11th, but insiders (read: publicists) reveal that Sean proposed to his co-star — sorry, TRUE LOVE — with a 4.3 carat Neil Lane engagement ring in Rai, Thailand, in front a perfect backdrop of scattered flower petals, tiki torches and a television crew. Stay tuned for the big finale. Or don't. We don't care. Next! Brandi Glanville is fearful that LeAnn Rimes is too unstable to be around her children, and is insisting that the woman who she once referred to as a "washed-up country star" get some help. Kim Kardashian is in "denial about being pregnant" and refuses to stop wearing sky-high heels and body-hugging Spanx as her body insists on growing another human being inside of it. In Kourtney Kardashian news: Kourt scowled, Scott partied, babies ate, lather, rinse, repeat. Meanwhile, Bradley Cooper is "on the hunt for lovely ladies to add to his travel itinerary" while visiting London, so practice your mating call and get cooped up. Lastly, in "A-Listers Get Oscar-Ready" we learn that lady A-Listers are all about sculpting, smoothing and detoxing their bodies in an effort to be "Oscar-Ready" enough to receive accolades for their professional accomplishments. Male A-Listers, however, are probably just playing X-Box and rubbing leftover taco grease onto their faces to achieve that "Oscar-ready" glow.
Grade: D- (sand sandwich)


This Week In Tabloids: Britney Spears Doesn't Really Sing, Jeopardizes Her Vegas Deal

In Touch
"Make Me More Money!"
It's hard out there for a pimp, and Kris Jenner would know. Now that her "older" girls are out making babies, not money, she's turning to her younger daughters and forcing them to go out there and make her some damn moolah. (Sigh!) According to an insider, "She is going to work them for every penny," and has pulled the girls out of school in favor of having them working more. Friends of the family are worried that Kris is trying to shove both Kendall and Kylie into the big-ass fame-making machine from which Kim Kardashian was born, going so far as to allow them to dress, work and behave like their older sister (Fig 1). That shit kray. RHOA's Phaedra Parks is mad as hell that castmate Kenya Moore backed her ass out of a joint workout video called Donkey Booty and has gone behind her back to produce her own, solo workout video called Stallion Booty, launching an all-out "battle of the booties" between the two former bosom buddies. Also, the mag needs your help figuring out: "Are These Big Butts Real?" (Fig. 2). Let's see, what else? Britney Spears may be headed to Sin City, but she will have a curfew, a spending limit and won't be allowed to bring boys into her room at night, Ke$ha smells like a hobo-meets-"a shrimp on a diaper", and Katy Perry wore a heart-shaped ring that boyfriend John Mayer bought her, what does it mean?
Grade: D+ (horsemeat sandwich)


This Week In Tabloids: Britney Spears Doesn't Really Sing, Jeopardizes Her Vegas Deal

Us
"My Mistakes As A Mom"
For real? This lady has something new to say? Oh, not really? Quelle surprise. "I feel guilty all the time because I can't be everywhere at once," Kris Jenner tells the mag. But interms of "mistakes," she doesn't admit to many. She's glad her kids do TV: "They are getting the best business education I could ever hope for." When asked why she pushes her children, she says: "I think you're happier that way." Kris denies that she and Bruce are on the rocks, saying according to the tabloids "I've been divorced 17 times" and as for claims young Kylie and Kendall are being sexualized? "Ridiculous." Basically, the coverline is misleading and KJ has zero regrets. Her interview is followed by a two-page ad posing as editorial; "We Love Our Curves" is about Kardashian Kurves, the new plus-size clothing line Kim, Kourt and Khloe are debuting. Also inside: All of the other Sports Illustrated swimsuit models hate Kate Upton, who won't sit with them at parties and "has been a bitch" to them. Finally, in Bachelor news, Tierra is engaged… To her ex-boyfriend. They should get married later this year.
Grade: C (white bread and mayo sandwich)


This Week In Tabloids: Britney Spears Doesn't Really Sing, Jeopardizes Her Vegas Deal

Star
"Kim Got Pregnant For $22 Million!"
"Kim's Web of Lies" rehashes some old crap about why KK wants a divorce instead of an annulment: If she gets the marriage annulled, she's admitting there was fraud, and brands who donated to make the wedding happen could sue her. Meanwhile, a source says Kim "totally used Kanye for his sperm" and after she didn't get pregnant from banging him noon and night, "sweet-talked him into doing in vitro." They visited Beverly Hills fertility specialist Dr. Mark Surrey and the conception was arranged. Plus, Kim had sex with Kanye while she and Kris were still together, claims a source, and she cheated on Kris with some millionaire businessman. Blah blah blah moving on. LeAnn Rimes is pregnant, and the proof is that she has dark hair now and didn't drink a single margarita while in Cabo over Christmas. Britney Spears has been trying to land a residency in Vegas, but the problem is, she doesn't sing live during her concerts "and has no plans to start now." As RuPaul would say: The time has come for you to lipsync for your life! In fact, a woman named Myah Marie might actually be the voice you hear on some Britney songs, like Will.I.Am's "Scream and Shout." Myah's dad says his daughter, who does backing vocals for Brit, actually sings for Britney. And you know, listening carefully to this, it's unclear whether or not Britney was even involved. Let's see, what else? After meeting on the set of Maleficent, Angelina Jolie is acting as a mentor for Elle Fanning. If you're wondering why Justin Timberlake has straight hair now, it's because Jessica Biel hates his hair curly. He loves his curls, but she prefers straight. So. Chris Brown and Rihanna are planning a wild wedding, says a source: "They want tattoo artists, fire breathers and a near-naked waitstafff." This might be happening as soon as July. Cindy Crawford was seen drunkenly hitting on "hot band guys" in Malibu recently, since her marriage is on the rocks and husband Rande Gerber has been cheating on her throughout the 14 years they've been together. Ugh. Finally, Will Smith's younger sister Ellen has a husband named Dee Laurence Downs, who has been indicted on a major federal cocaine-dealing charge. Drug felon in the family.
Grade: C+ (soggy cheesy sandwich)


Addendum

This Week In Tabloids: Britney Spears Doesn't Really Sing, Jeopardizes Her Vegas Deal

Fig. 1, from In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Britney Spears Doesn't Really Sing, Jeopardizes Her Vegas Deal

Fig. 2, from In Touch