Woman: Don't even act like you didn't remember this Thursday is Valentine's Day (reminder: delete iCal reminder). How ever could you forget, when what was once just a lil' old annoyingly pervasive Hallmark holiday is now a full-fledged, front-to-back excavation on What You Really Want. It's a Sphinx-like riddle, a veritable landmine of heart-shaped explosives out there, a worldwide manhunt to track down with body-heat-imaging drones if necessary the exact specific thing that will make you most unlikely to rage or withhold a beej for days, weeks or years after it's all said-slash-done.
It's OK if you don't actually know what you really want in exactly three day's time countdown starting now. Because maybe what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted, it was just what he wanted for you to want, i.e., what he really wanted for himself (cough see above cough about the beej cough). He's always doing that, isn't he? We hate fictional him. (Does he REALLY exist, Internet?!)
The good news is that I've made it easier for him or her to choose, with this handy compilation of dozens and dozens of things you purportedly want. The bad news: Everyone thinks they know you, general woman, and the stakes have never been higher. Good news: The payoffs have never been bigger, the gift bags never better than they are in this, today's, the most current Valentine's Day Pressure Cooker of all the Pressure Cookers Recorded.
A social network just for two.
To take a trip.
To have sexy time without your kids around.
To have a nice time even though your partner just cheated on you.
To save money.
To get or give sex coupons.
To improve your relationships by using your smart phone.
A 1-minute love potion to attract a partner.
To not have your ex-partner revenge-bribe you with those sexy pics you sent:
To not be married to an idiot-jerk who would just once, for the love of God, clean the house, do dishes and/or laundry like a functionally competent adult.
To have love cocktails.
To have themed nail art.
To like Valentine's Day again.
To say it with padlocks.
To eat healthier.
To eat decadently.
To get free STD testing.
To have safe sex.
To have sex at all.
To get a lil' kink.
To release your "inner goddess."
To get laid with Shakespeare's help.
To not have sex.
To make bank.
To have a special Millennial Valentine's Day.
To just hang out with friends like the invincibly vulnerable Taylor Swift.
To watch a movie.
To find a singles-friendly restaurant.
To give yourself a relationship checkup.
To go to an Anti-Valentine's Day party.
To rebrand Valentine's Day to a Day of Generosity.
To get a "unique" gift.
To never celebrate this holiday again because someone already out-did us all.
To send your man to a "male spa."
To listen to '80s rock ballads.
To get some super-fun free divorce advice.
To not be married to this guy.
To unlearn the romantic lessons taught by rom-coms, love songs and breakup songs.
To have your romantic dilemmas answered.
Something thoughtful, not expensive.
Really expensive stuff.
Not the store-bought stuff, duh.
Your partner, without his/her phone, with chocolate and jewelry in his/her hand, alone, out of town, while cooking for you.
A romantic dinner, boyfriend, flowers, weekend getaway, jewelry, chocolate, a car, and beauty sleep, IN THAT ORDER.
Gifts, yes, but NOT floral or heart-shaped.
No major purchases.
FLOWERS (says a florist.)
Dinner at home (doesn't have to be good), to go to Vermont, some TLC, a clean house, a day off, a romantic dinner in midtown, Louis Vuitton shoes, a Welsh Terrier, a massage, sexy lingerie, a puppy OR a tropical getaway, chick flicks and chocolate, flowers, something homemade, a vacay to Mexico, a romantic getaway, hot sauna, flowers (said people on the streets of New York City.)
For your husband to put the toilet seat down, get the children ready for bed, help the kids with homework, get some me-time, pick up a spontaneous gift for you, say I love you for NO REASON, fix stuff.
To be truly desired.
ALL of the the things: a getaway, a clean house, a home-cooked meal, chocolate, no obligations, for a man to make decisions for a day, to be pampered and to sleep.
Just this one box of peanut brittle I guess.
Anti-Valentine's Day "reality check" cupcakes.
A dog wash.
Only three things: love, jewels, spa.
Edible underwear, but not to wear while horseback riding.
A personalized romance novel.
And I'm sure there's much, much more you didn't know you wanted. So much so, that if nothing else, we can at least deduce one thing: that women are some wantin' motherfuckers on V-day. However, if there is one thing I bet a lot of us might want for Valentine's Day, it would be to not be generalized about, but rather, to just be fuckin' asked when it comes to what we want, or don't want, on this outrageously overhyped day, whatever the case may be.
But if you are just not able to ask a woman what she wants for Valentine's Day, there is one last option. As far as I'm concerned, only one person got it right this holiday when attempting to answer the age-old question "What do women really want for Valentine's Day?"
So I am going to give you a solid piece of no-fail wisdom. ... What does your girlfriend/wife really want for Valentine's Day? Beyonce tickets. They go on sale Monday. If you are single, they also make a great gift for your bestie. Everyone is happy now. You're welcome.